A Gift for 107 Days

What if I knew it was only 107 Days would I have done anything different?  Would I have held him more?  been at the hospital day and night?  If I knew this precious gift was only going to be lent to me for 107 days would I have felt any different about him? 

It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, the feeling as if my cervix was being tore out and this sensation followed after the normal cramping and back labour I had experienced with my last 2 pregnancies.  But this was so much worse, physically, emotionally, and mentally, I was to early to be in labour and even with my cervix double stitched shut my body had full intentions of carry out child birth even without an opening.  All alone and with Darryl racing to St.John's, this intense torture carried on for six hours.  Darryl arrived just in time for them to bring me in for emergency C Section.  Could a baby at 24 weeks survive?  They told me girls were stronger, had a much better chance at survival, I remember praying for that girl, praying for that strong baby to hold and love.  It seemed like an eternity for them to get the baby, wondering if he would survive, then they said it's a boy!  My heart sank - not that i don't love boys - Brock has been such a treasure - I just wanted the best odds.  But that is how faith building works, you need no odds and no hope to put all your hope and faith in God, sometimes that is what it takes.  They took him out so fast and started counting 1 2 3 4 5  1 2 3 4 5 after they counted a few times they said OK MOVE HIM NOW and started to try to open his lungs.  I barley got a chance to see him, he was so tiny and fragile, my little boy, I didn't know it at the time but he was going to become my hero. 

The Doctors worked on him for 2 hours to open his lungs and where successful only to tell Darryl he did not have much chance to survive past midnight.  The next morning we took our first trip down to the NICU and there was my precious, sweet, strong baby boy, weighing just under 1 lb and about as long as a ruler.  He was full of tubes and wires and machines most of which I had seen before from my other two babies being in the NICU.  I was so afraid to touch him at first, afraid of germs and hurting his little body.  It did not take long at all before I was being his mom, changing his bum, wiping his face, giving him his soother and of course having my cuddles.  He was my boy and like any other baby just a lot smaller.  He was my Zachariah Isaac Drover. 

For 107 Days I was given this precious gift to love and cherish and take care of.  For 107 Days he was given to me to teach me about sacrifice, true love, compassion, Faith, Prayer, truly seeking God's face, Trusting, Believing, putting God in control of my whole life.  In some ways I would say for that 107 that Baby Zach was given to me by God to save my life, my marriage, my family.  You may think that through all this statistics say that those 107 days should of wrecked my life.  But because I learned to put my whole life in God's hands and trust him through every situation, to really know that God really will never leave me and always see me through with peace.  That is why God allowed me to have baby Zach for 107, one of his purposes was to save my life, to help me grow in faith and by braking me so much that I had to become so much stronger in Christ.  Baby Zach Became My Hero!

One Year ago on November 3, 2011 Baby Zach at 107 Days old was placed in my arms while his Dad held his hand, He took his last breath and His heart slowly stopped.  One Year ago I sat in a chair holding my precious son, while the tears streamed down my face it felt as if I passed him up to Jesus.  I had to give him back to his maker.  Our children really are gifts from God, given to us to take care of for him.  Baby Zach may have only lived on this earth for 107 Days but he was a great testimony of God's amazing faith and miraculous power.  No baby weighing less then a pound should survive 1 day and We got to enjoy him for 107 Days.  I will always Love him with all my heart, Always miss him, Never forget how wonderful he was, and Always be thankful for being allowed to have him for almost 4 months.  I will meet him again one day in heaven, until that day I will continue to seek God in every circumstance and every situation with more integrity then I ever have. 

I LOVE YOU BABY ZACH  MY SON   MY HERO

I am tired and weary - finding that place of rest in him!

Mom has had a rough couple day, while they where able to get control of her pain and symptoms she is battling anxiety and restlessness today, something that she has no control over happening.  Her mind and body are fighting against her and this causes a very bad reaction.  I feel restless today as well, I want to help her so much, in the physical I want to take away this battle for her.  I keep crying out to God for her peace and comfort of her body, mind and spirit.  It is a battle to watch your loved one suffer so much, it is so hard to truly give everyday to God and allow him to take control.  especially when your body and mind are fighting against all notions that everything will be OK.  In the natural everything is not OK, but it is getting into that spiritual place where you throw up your hands and give up everything to God.  I am having a day because mom is having a day and I can't fix it in the natural - but days like today I also get stronger because I am forced to relay on God even more, I am forced to trust Him that he has everything under control, I am forced to give up and let God take control of my thoughts and actions.  If I don't do this than I will fall apart on my own strength and Mom will fall apart on her own strength.  This doesn't make things easy, it just brings peace and Grace and a better understanding, His understanding.

Another Journey faced with God at our side!

I have had a really rough summer yet again another giant to face, with a very Big God to help me face it.  But this time it is not my Giant, It is my Mom's Giant and I am along for the ride.  I have not put my feelings and emotions out here for that reason that this is her story and battle as the one who is battling Cancer.  I am the Daughter who has sacrificed her family and summer for the amazing chance of helping someone who I love.  There has been a lot of stress and frustration and confusion around me but God has given he this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort - I have no fear or frustration - Again, just as with Zachariah, I know that My God is with my Mom and will never leave her.  I know he has a plan and a will for her life and at the end of the day that is all that will matter.  I will praise him if she is healed and I will praise him if she goes home to Jesus - I Trust that He Knows what is best.  I am growing in faith so rapidly, and my understanding of spiritual things are becoming so much more clear.  I believe that we all have individual journeys and all are unique and we need to be careful that we do not live off of someone else's story, and that we go to God for guidance, peace and understanding for our own journey.  Just because God decided to take Zachariah doesn't mean he will take the next baby.  or just because God Heals one person doesn't mean he will heal the next.  Only God knows the reason to all these situations but I do know that God can give you peace and comfort through any situation no matter how hard it is.  If you feel anxious, frustrated, angry, or you find yourself blaming others for everything bad that happens - Humble yourself and look at your own heart, go to God and he will bring you peace and take you through your circumstance one day at a time, One moment at a time.  You are only responsible for your own actions and thoughts.  Please continue to pray for my family, I have no idea what God has in store for my Mom, but I do know whatever he decides will be good. 
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox

Zachariah's birthday

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DnOnqiQRQ5d8%26feature%3Dshare&h=xAQChxdRc

Wow!!! how do I start as we aproach on Zachariah's birthday.....

I have a lot on my mind today, tomorrow Zachariah should be celebrating his first birthday with a party with all his friends and family around him.  We will still be celebrating his life but just not with him here.  As we have been approaching this week we have had some obstacles and challenges to overcome - one in particular seemed all to familiar.  Last week my oldest boy Brock developed an infection that oral antibiotics would not kill - He ended being admitted to the hospital and put on IV meds - but not just any kind a last resort kind - The Dr.s would say They need The Big Guns - for a sensitive infection - The part that was hard about facing the hospital with an infection with my son was that last year I was in the hospital with my youngest son who died from a sensitive infection which the big guns did not work.  Don't get me wrong I was never afraid of loosing Brock, Just the fact that I was getting ready to go to the Janeway and celebrate Zachariah's birth and Brock was sick with the same type of infection was a little hard for me.  But we made it through the week, Brock is recovering now at home and I just got back from the Janeway in St.John's.  The gifts were received wonderfully and I got to have an amazing time with the nurses whom I love and think of highly.  I also got to meet a precious baby girl and a mom who has been there for 3 months - I felt so blessed when I was able to bless her with a gift and give her a big Hug reminding her she is not alone then to talk to her sweet girl - what an amazing unforgettable moment!  Zachariah's plaque is now being hung on a wall in the NICU and parents are being touched by every ones generosity with their gifts.  Thank you to everyone who helped make that a very special day!
Tomorrow is quickly approaching, and all the thoughts have been going through my mind - Would we have been having his birthday in the hospital? What would he look like now?  Would he be happy all the time and smiling?  What kind of cake would have we made him?  Would I still be overprotective of him even though he was turning one?  It's hard not to wonder what it would of been like to have him here with us.  I can hardly believe a year has gone by already.  I am sure more emotions and mixed feeling will come out tomorrow but I am really trying to focus on his life, they joy he brought to me and Darryl and all the Nurses and Dr.s.  This is very much easier to say and harder to do, but with God's help I will make it through this next journey.  Tomorrow I will stand at Zachariah's grave with some family and a few friends and send off balloons to heaven for Zachariah - I will blog after tomorrow so please keep me in your prayers As I face this very difficult day :)  I feel so blessed that there are so many people who love my little angel Zachariah Isaac Drover.

I am the Rest You Need......

I have not Blogged in a while, I have been very exhausted mentally and physically, which is why I did not blog and is also why I need to blog.  The weight of the world is so heavy sometimes it feels like there is nothing left in you to give.  This is the time we need to rest in God's arms, be still and quiet, listen to his still small voice.  This is the place I am in now, I don't desire to be out with large crowds or to be taking over any ministries, I am in a season of rest.  I need to be fed, my tank needs to be filled up again and until that happens, I rest in Him.  This is not to say I don't help or care ( i could never stop doing that ) What it does mean is that if It is not a needed task then I say not right now.  God is showing me a new place in my walk with him, a place where i can take refuge and shelter from life's storms.  Feel peace and comfort, know that everything is in God's hands and he knows the future.  Right now being so tired and worn down I need this stillness inside me so that I can pray for God's strength and a daily reminder that he holds our futures in his hands.  When I start to feel anxious and start to wonder if God is really here, I remember when I felt his touch.  I had just arrived to St.John's via Air Ambulance my Water had broke and they were not sure if they would stop my labour from coming.  I remember lying in a bed all alone at the Janeway, the nurses coming and going .. monitors going off everywhere, nurses sticking needles in me and checking my vitals and baby Zach's heart beat, while still safely in my tummy.  I remember thinking I should feel worried, scared, alone, I cried out to Jesus and asked for strength.  All of a sudden as if there where hundreds of prayers going out, I felt this huge wave of peace come over my body, started at my head right down to my toes.  This overwhelming presences took away all fears and loneliness, I new Jesus was holding me, carrying me and was not going to drop me.  My Daddy was there and I felt him, He took me as his precious child and covered me with his blessings.  I remind myself that even though I can't feel him like that all the time, it does not mean that he is not with me, holding me, caring for me, loving on me, I am still his precious child and he will never leave or forsake me.   
I have been having these memories come back to me about the Janeway some vivid and some very clear, I believe this is all part of healing and growing.  Remembering so I don't forget that Jesus never left my side.

I want to take away your pain.... but I can't!!!!

I want to take away your pain, your suffering, your burdens.  If you could live in peace with no health problems, I would go through the pain for you.  I know that Jesus will comfort you and bring you peace, he will give you strength to face today, to face your trials and to get through your desert.  But I want to be able to take your pain and suffering from you, let me go through it for you so I can help.  I can't take away your pain so I feel helpless to sit and watch you through your journey.  What I can do is Pray, Pray for peace, strength, and healing.  Healing for your body and mind.  Pray for whatever happens, it is what God wills. 

This is the second time in a year I have had these feelings about someone I care about .  First was Zachariah, I still wish I could have taken away his pain and suffering, all I could do was watch and pray, hug him and pray, be close to him and pray.  I couldn't take away his burdens I couldn't save him from dying - but I could Love on him and Pray and know that God was always with him, always holding him and gave him so much strength to face his tough days.  Now I face the same with My Mom, I can't take away her pain and suffering, I can't have cancer instead of her, but I can pray for her, I can Love on her and Pray for her, I can be close to her and pray for her, I can pray for her healing, I can pray for strength to face each day, I can pray for her mind and positive thoughts, I can pray for God's will to be done.
 I would take all of Zach's and Mom's sickness and pain and go through it myself, if it meant they didn't have to, but I can't, so I will keep praying and believing that God knows what he is doing in every situation.  He has a plan for our lives and when He allows tragic events to happen in our lives and we put all of trust and faith in him through our situation, He can use us in ways we could of never imagined.  I have been very fascinated with Job lately, that a Man could go through so much and still know that he was in God's will and God had a plan for him.  In the end when he was at his worse, everything was taken from him, his kids were dead his lively hood was gone, he was in dying pain from the sores on his body and his wife, family and friends were telling him to curse God for giving him so much sorrow.  Even through all that Job still trusted in God, still knew that God had a plan for him.  It didn't mean he didn't want the pain to end, he definitely did but He also knew God would never leave him or forsake him.  He says,  before I only heard Jesus but know I can see him to.  Sometimes it takes the hardest things in our lives, devastating situations to bring us closer to God to fulfill our calling in a more powerful way,  If we choose to turn to him through it.   I am and have had a hard time watching two people I love go through the worst battle of their lives, but I know that God's hand is and had always been on them and he has never left them and had and will always comfort them no matter how hard it gets.  I know he is always with me, never leaves me, always is with me and will always comfort me.  I know that through everything I have been through I am getting closer and closer to God - I have not just heard him but I have seen him.

To be a Mommy to 3 amazing children.... One that is in Heaven



I was not sure how this Mothers Day was going to feel?  Was it going to be Sad, was it going to be hard, was it going to be impossible to get through the day?  I was not sure how my feelings were going to take me, especially since I have learned that when you go through a tragedy your emotions have a good way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.  I did know that I going to try as hard as I could to stay very positive and very happy and if those emotions did creep up on me I was still going to smile!  I have two of the sweetest children still here with me that do not understand why Mommy would be sad on such an exciting day as Mothers Day!  Last night I could not stop the births of all 3 children play through my head, how each one is such a miracle.  Brock Austin Drover was born 38 weeks, but about 5 minutes after I had him a nurse noticed his color changed to purple, they quickly took him out of his dad's arms and rushed him into another room then a day later Sick Kids came for him and put him on life support they were uncertain if he would survive.  But our God is a big God and Brock pulled through and before we knew it the nightmare was over and we had our sweet baby boy home with us.  Then Olivia Claire Drover was born 8 weeks early and went I went into Labour I was rushed to Halifax, a whole other province by myself.  But again we serve a very very Big God, My cousin and his wife were there then a day after I had my little girl my Aunt and Uncle came back from vacation and Olivia was born with NO Life threatening complications, she was just small and needed some help with nutrition, and within three weeks I had her home to join our family.  Then as I have already told the story of my Angel Zachariah Isaac Drover, I was already in the hospital with some pain when My water broke, they rushed me to the Janeway and I was on bed rest again alone but not alone I had this overwhelming sense of Peace and comfort.  The pain I endured when I went back into labour was like nothing I have ever faced or ever want to face, It was 10 hours of labour in my back, front and in my cervix which was double stitched and was trying to dilate - and the doctors just wanted to try and stop my labour but when they realized I was passing out from the pain and my body was shaking they gave me a Epidural and did an emergency C-Section - I keep remembering them counting 1,2,3,4,5 then again 1,2,3,4,5 it felt like eternity before they said he is alive move quickly, he was to small to cry, to small to move much but he was alive - I was exhausted, emotional Darryl had just made it 2 hours before I had him.  Zachariah was a miracle and I was his Mommy, I was and am so proud to have been his Mommy!  My love for him is no different, no more or less then how I love Brock or Liv.  I Loved to Mommy that little angel, to rock him and read to him, to sing to him and Love on him.  I would never give up that chance I had to be a Mommy to all 3 of my children. 
This morning was very bittersweet as Brock and Liv so very excitedly jumped into my bed with blueberry pancakes soaked in syrup, pineapple and a tea and some wonderful presents they were so proud to have picked out themselves.  But as I sat there in my bed with the 2 of them my heart felt sad because there should of been 3 little ones with me on this great day.  I felt sad that I can no longer show Zach a Mothers Love, can't wipe his tears, or make him laugh.  And as I watched Brock today I realized what that little boy I am missing, what he would be like.  I know these days are coming, Days where my heart will ache but I also know I have a faithful God who sees my tears and knows my pain and is always with me.  I was able to enjoy my day with my kids, with a smile and laughter but inside a part of me was hurting, a part of the day was missing. 

Even Jesus wept and felt sad, when Lazarus died the bible says Jesus wept, he felt compassion for his family and friends.  I know that Jesus cares for me and feels compassion when my heart is hurting, he weeps with me and loves me and brings me peace and comfort when I ask.  I know that Zach is in an amazing place and he is waiting for us to join him one day, I still miss him and will always Love him, he will always hold a special place in this Mommy's heart!

we do not have to go through it alone.

Life has been feeling very busy lately, very rushed, very exhausting, very stressful good and bad, and a lot to think about when I should be sleeping!  I know I can't be alone in this, I am sure we all go through these valley's in our lives where you just want life to slow down, physically, emotionally and mentally.  Something though is that when I do stop and sit and pray, I have this peace this comfort that I will make it, I will have the strength to get through anything that is thrown at me with God's help.  The Book of James talks about our lives being like a vapour, not to worry about tomorrow because our lives go so fast and it means so little on earth compared to our lives in heaven for eternity.  In some ways it brings some comfort why God does or doesn't heal, or do things the way we think he should.  His plan for our lives is usually so far from what we thought or wanted it to be.  I would do anything for God to have healed Zachariah, to take him home and have him live his life with us as a family. God had a great purpose and plan and reasons I will probably never understand why he took him.  All I can do is trust that everything that happens on this earth is for a reason and plan to glorify God. I need to remind myself that if I always put my trust in God over every situation in my life whether it is finances, death, disappointment, hurt, I can get through it as long as I keep my head looking to heaven, once we start to waver, look to other things to numb the pain or fill in an empty space we are heading for a destructive road that only leads to more hurt and pain.  but when we cry out to God and trust that he can help us, when we pray and read our bible, God will help us through it, doesn't mean the pain is gone, it means you feel like you are not alone, you have a great peace and unexplainable strength to get through your journey.
My Mom is facing a hard journey and to watch her trust and have so much faith and God strength is so encouraging.  I feel like I am not their yet, I want to be, I want to faith that anything is possible and I know if I keep praying for it and seeking after I will be able to feel the same reassurance that God really can do anything!  I am still so full of questions at times and I am stuck sometimes on the earthly realities of our lives, but my prayer is that, just as God has helped me through situations and has given me a great peace, He will also help me understand true Faith!

Almost got lost but He found me!

Do you ever have that day where you feel dull, low, you have questions that just can't be answered..... These question are questions that you thought you already had peace with, already excepted the answer to??? I had that day the other day.  I am not sure if it was because my Mom's chemo took everything out of her and put her in the hospital, or is it that I am still working on the fact that God didn't answer my prayer to heal Zachariah the way I wanted him to?  Whatever the reason was, I had that day, I questioned my faith, my belief, the way I deal with life's bumps.  I talked to Darryl on a drive home from St.John's questioning why God allows these things?  Why do we have to suffer, My mom is suffering through Chemo and is going through what no one should have to go through.  Zachariah, his little body went through what no little baby should have to go through, when all God has to do is heal their bodies.  God can part a sea and turn water into wine, he can raise someone from the dead, and for only reasons he knows he allows us to go through pain.  On that drive I started to tell Darryl I want to deal the way he does, push everything back so far so I can't feel the pain but Darryl told me I can't because the pain is always their. and that I need to deal the way that is healthy and good for me, by talking about it and by allowing God to help me, by crying out to God to heal my heart and help me through this, to allow Jesus to weep with me. I will be so much happier, stronger, wiser.  I will be a better Wife, Mother and Friend.  I am back on track that bad day is over and my Trust is restored, I am leaning on my faith for comfort and strength. I dont' blame God or question why he does what he does, his plan is so much greater than what I can comprehend and he knows our future.  I can't do anything on my own, it is to hard.  Life still hurts and is still confusing sometimes, but I do know the peace I have when I trust in God is overwhelming and indescribable.  There are some sad days ahead of me, One being Zachariah's birthday, but it will be exciting at the same time when we give other families a gift to help brighten their hard and some sad day.  I also love to know that Zach is waiting for all of us in heaven, he is enjoying an amazing life for eternity. 
Some of my pain I have come to realize that some of my pain is selfish pain, it is pain that I want to hold my baby, I want to watch him and love him.  But if I think about Zachariah, I smile because he is not in pain anymore, he is not suffering anymore.  He is always smiling, never sad!   Darryl got a plaque done for the hospital in memory of Zach and on the plaque he wrote a verse on it that says: "Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him to help you do it and he will" Psalm 37:5  This spoke so clearly to me that if I trust God, he will help me through any situation, and it is as simple as just to ask him.  He doesn't promise to fix everything in our lives but he does promise to help us overcome our battles and obstacles if we just ask.

In Remembrance of Zachariah Isaac Drover

IN REMEMBRANCE  

OF

ZACHARIAH ISAAC DROVER

July 19, 2010 – November 3, 2010

Zachariah Isaac would have been turning 1 on July 19^th and in remembrance of him we are collecting new packs of receiving blankets (boy or girl) and gift cards ($10 or more)

for one of the following places:     Tim Horton’s,  McDonald's

Swiss Chalet,  Starbucks,  Wendy’s

We will be putting one pack of receiving blankets with a gift card and delivering it to the hospital around Zachariah’s birthday. The Nurses will be distributed them to the families who are faces hard times in the NICU with their babies.  Receiving blankets are the only thing that the babies can have and it is always nice for them to have their own.   And a treat away from the hospital, for a coffee or a bite to eat is always needed for the parents.  The financial cost having a baby in the NICU is very high and a small present like this will brighten their day!

We would like to get enough for levels 1, 2 and 3 in the NICU and some for future babies and their families.

Thank you so much for your generosity and kindness.

Marcia, Darryl, Brock & Olivia Drover

You can mail it to:

                                     Marcia Drover

                                     8 Carlton Place

                                     Grand Falls-Windsor, NL

                                     A2B 1E8

                                     marciadrover@yahoo.com

In a Childs mind.....

Brock is my 4 1/2 year old sweetheart little boy.  He is sensitive, strong, caring, loving. He loves his family especially his sister Olivia and Brother Zachariah.  He is so aware of his role in our family - The Big Brother, and he takes that role very seriously!  He adores Olivia, He needs to know where she is at all times and needs to touch her, hug her, kiss her to much and usually more then Liv likes.  He also loves his little baby Zach, this is very wonderful and very difficult at the same time.  He always talks about him and prays that Jesus will take care of him every night.  He will sometimes say that he misses him and that it is not fair that he doesn't have him home.  But the past few nights he has been more upset and concerned about his baby Zach.  He prayed to Jesus the other night " Jesus thank you for taking care of baby Zach for us, but can you make him better and send him home, I really want him home, I need 2 babies, Olivia and Zach" then he asked me if Jesus would send him home.. I responded as well as I could and told him what I have told him many times before, that Zachariah was very sick and the doctors tried to help him but he was to sick and died, Zach is with Jesus now and is not sick and he is happy in heaven, Zachariah can not come home because when you go to heaven you have to stay there.  Brock than told me that this is not fair and he wants his little brother.. I agreed him that it is not fair!  Later Brock was talking about our family and asked if Zach was apart of our family and I told him he was a very special and important part of our family.  He really liked that, but still is confused about heaven and dying.. one day at a time with my little man.. I have been praying for peace and comfort for Brock, that he will just know that Zach is OK.  Brock said that one day when he gets married he wants One Hundred babies and name them all Baby Zach - what a precious boy.  I hate seeing him sad it makes me sad that I can't fix this for him - But I do know someone who can - Brock is to young to understand about Zach but God can give him peace just as he has given me peace. 

Some Days......

2 Corinthians 10:3-5
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh.  4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds,  5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

I am feeling exhausted today, I am not sure why, but I feel spiritually, emotionally, and physically tired, weak and weary.  Life does this to us sometimes, we go and go and go and life beats us down, but I am learning how to put all my Trust in God, lean on him.  When I feel so low, I need to find my quiet place, even if that is only a inward quietness and listen to what God has to say.  I need to cast all my cares on him and allow him to carry me through this low day.  I need to rebuke all negative thoughts from my mind and know where they come from.  I need to Pray for strength and guidance.  I have a strong peace about Zachariah but some days I miss him a lot... I know God is with My Mom through her journey with Cancer but some days I get scared.... Some days I feel so spiritually, emotionally and physically exhausted, that I don't feel God's presence like I normally.  Somedays I feel alone in life.  These days I cry out to God even stronger, I ask for prayer against any and all strongholds over my life... I cry out for God's love and protection and his healing power over my life.  It are days like these that my faith is put to the test and I will continue to beat the devil down and keep striving for God's peace, keep pushing to see God's hand move in my life.  It is these days that remind me that the devil is so very real and he wants to destroy my life - But It is also these days when I do cry out to God he shows up and reminds me that he has never left me, even when I can't feel him he is always with me - His love is always around me even if it doesn't seem like it.  God loves us so much and wants us to get through our dessert and keep trusting in him.   This is not a physical battle but a spiritual one, a battle for my heart soul and mind and it is up to us to keep renewing our mind and spirit with God's word and Prayer so that God can fight this battle for us.
Life is so hard sometimes but we serve such a Big God who loves us so much, he is walking with me through this dessert - it is days like today that I remember that nothing is To Big for God!

The Journey of Life is not Over!

Something really cool has been happening lately around my house.  Zach's memory has been so very comfortable shared and noticed, his pictures are on the walls as is a diaper and his soother in a shadow box.  More than that even Brock and Olivia talk about him everyday.  Brock still wants to see him come home but tells me all the time that he loves his little baby Zach.  It is such an amazing feeling to feel like he can stay a part of our family even from Heaven. 
Life's journey for my family has still been a rough road, while we have been busy with Zachariah and finding closure in his death, we also have been in a lot of prayer and helping Mom through her cancer.  As a daughter it is so very hard to watch your young mother have to endure so much suffering and chemo and stress of this cursed disease.  I watch Mom as she prays for strength through her treatments and for her healing from all of the pain.  I see her as a strong woman of God, I never see her blame God or get Mad at God, she Thanks God for all he has done and is going to do.  Through all life's circumstances I always want to Thank God for all he has done, look at all the miracles and do not dwell on the negative. 

In the Bible it talks about Paul, he was thrown in prison for sharing the Gospel.  He could of easily had a pity party for himself, trying to do God's work and now look where I am..But he didn't do that at all, instead Paul kept going strong, he did not focus on the bad situation but on what God could do through him in his situation. 
Philippians 4:11-13 Paul Writes :
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know hat it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.   I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Paul was encouraging us to free from self pity - with God's strength we can get through anything life brings our way.

Life is not always fair, circumstances are not always fair.  But we have a daily choice to feel self-pity or put all of our trust in God and believe he can do a work in our lives. 

It is much easier said then done, as someone who is still watching the storm blow through, I have to daily ask God for his strength to get through each day.  How can I love and support and for most keep God in the center of each day.  He is my strength and my courage.  I am sure my mom is constantly is in his arms being carried and some days I am there also.  That is the neat thing about God, you never have to try on your own, because he will carry you through the storm, he will wipe your tears and give you peace.  I know this because He has done this and is doing this for me.

Closure?

I am writing tonight because for the first time in a while I needed to cry out to God for help.  I started to feel as if I was facing my emotional Giant and was forgetting that I am not alone in this battle.  It happened right after Darryl and I saw and Ordered Zachariah's headstone.  At first I was very surprised how I took it so well at the funeral home looking at the picture of the headstone, no emotions, no specific thoughts just something we needed to get done.  But, then when I got home I had an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion, and a pressure in the front of my head, as if a big weight was hanging from my head.  I realized that I was trying to do things on my own once again, and the pressure of these final dealings with Zach's death where going to be hard.  As I sat here trying to over come these feelings of exhaustion and heaviness I remembered that I did not have to do this on my own, I do not have to try and be brave or super human, I just need to let God be in control.  I need to sit in a quiet place and listen to what God has for me, where he wants me to be and what he wants me to be doing.  Sit and remember that God's hand is on my life and he will bring me and my family peace that passes all understanding.   think about how true that statement is, the peace that God gives us is definitely not easy to understand sometimes.  Even I wonder how I have not had a breakdown, but I know that when I am weak he is strong!  He carries me over green pasture, he restores my soul!  We are not supposed to understand God's grace and power, and that is ok, I am happy that I can call upon Him and crawl into His arms and feel safe.  Know that he will take care of me, he will carry me when I can not walk anymore, he will restore my soul.  I love my baby boy Zachariah Isaac Drover with all my heart and God already knew what the future held before Zachariah was born and he already knew that I would need to be carried through these tough times. I will rejoice for knowing such a gracious, loving God who cares enough about me to love me and gives me hope and peace.  This spring Zach's Headstone will be placed into the ground and I will need to be carried once more, but that is what being a christian is about - knowing that he is my comforter and my strength as long as I allow Him to stay in control.  He will never leave me or forsake me, we will weep with me and strengthen me.  He is my Lord and my God and will not let me fall.

Happy Love Day!!!!

Happy Love Day to everyone!!!!  I really like Valentines Day, not for the gifts or commercial part of the holiday but as a reminder of Love, what it is and how we should show our Love.  It also made me think a lot about my precious Zachariah, and how much I am deeply in Love with him.  Although I feel sad about not being able to show him  how much I Love him, I know he knows how much I love him, looking down from Heaven.  When you have a love one in the hospital or very sick it doesn't matter if you pull back and protect yourself or if you where your heart on your sleeve (like I tend to do) when that person is there or passes away the Love you have for them is the same either way, it will come out and you will still feel the loss and sadness of not being able to express that love.  When you Love someone you can't really run from it or hide from it, it will always be there in the depths of your soul.  I have a real great Peace about my son Zach, that he is safe and happy, he is being loved and showing love to the one who created us.  We can only get a taste of what Zachariah is experiencing and that is only if we are open to God's love.  I wonder what it will be like to never have heartache or pain and feel such a deep Love.  I selfeshly want to hold my baby and kiss him and Love him.  But, When I think about how wonderful the life he has now I feel better, I feel good inside knowing where he is now waiting for his friends and family to come and be overtaken by Jesus's Love. 
I find my comfortableness and peace about Zach hard sometimes when talking with new people when they ask about my kids I want to go on and on about Zach as much as I do about Brock and Liv because I am so in Love with all 3 of them the same.  But it is hard for some people to understand how I am so comfortable talking about him, they don't know what to say or feel uncomfortable.  But I can't help it, when you Love someone so much you want to talk about them.  The same is when you Love God, When you find that deep Love, true Love you can't help but talk about him and think about him.  But Love is not true Love if you don't strive for the things in the verse below.  I want to strive for true love for my family, friends and everyone around me.  If there is no love nothing else matters.
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND. It does NOT ENVY, it does NOT BOAST, it is NOT PROUD. It is NOT RUDE, it is NOT SELF-SEEKING, it is NOT EASILY ANGERED, it keeps NO RECORDS OF WRONG. Love does NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL, but REJOICES with the TRUTH. It always PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSERVERS.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

What I want for my children????

What do I want for my children?  That was the question asked last night at bible study.  While I couldn't answer last night, I would like to answer now.  It is a very emotional question because I have changed these past few months, I have a new understanding, a new heart felt drive to see certain things for my children and my family.  The reason I couldn't say anything last night was because it is so real to me that I don't want people to think I am saying it just to say it.  I want people to know through my actions not my words how real everything has become, since Zachariah went to be with Jesus.  Please read my answer to the question and try to understand this is a passion to see this lived out for everyone.
What I want for my Children is shown in a parable in Luke 18:18-30
"and a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"  And Jesus said to him, "Why do you call me good?  No one is good but God alone.  You know the commandments:  Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honor you father and mother."  And he said, "All these I have kept from my youth."  When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack.  Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.  But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.  Jesus, seeing that he had become sad, said, "How difficult it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!  For it is easier for a camel to go through the ye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."  Those who heard it said, " Then who can be saved?"  But he said, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." 

I want my children to know how real God is.  I want them to know that if they trust in God, if they give everything to God and do not hold on to anything in this life to tight, that God will always be there to help them.  When they go through tragedy or impossible situations God will be there to help them through.  I want them to know how to really trust God, To have REAL faith.  If they have nothing, trust in God, and if they have everything, Trust in God.  I don't ever want them to loose sight of how powerful God's love is.  How forgiving God is.  I want them to know that if God blesses them with a lot, to not hold onto to it to tight, to not make it everything to them, to always know it could be all gone in a second.  Be giving and caring, loving and compassionate.  I don't care what they have or their job title, I care that they are using these gifts for God, I care about their eternity and for them to know God in such a tangible way that they will not be afraid when circumstances come there way.  I want them to know that this world we live in is full of sin and bad things are always happening.  But if they trust in God and have faith there will never be anything that they can not get through or handle.  I want them to know God may not do things in their way or their timing but he has a plan for their lives and will work all things out for the good.  I want them to never be afraid, God will never leave them, even if they can't feel him sometimes, he is always there.  I want this all to be real to them.  Because I think we can say a lot of things but if God really did say to you, give all your money to the poor, would we really trust him and follow him and listen.  Would we really believe that he holds our future and is in control, or would we be to scared.  I want my kids to know that they know, that God is always in control. 
Also, I want them to know that their little Brother Zachariah is in a place where you don't need things of this earth, where there is no pain or suffering, no heartache or destruction.  Our lives on the earth are so short.  So live life for God, learn to listen to his voice.  If you have nothing or everything know God is in control.  Use your talents for God, and don't let your talents or your job define you.  And Stay HUMBLE.  Pride comes before a fall. 
I want all this for my kids so much that it overtakes my emotions when I think about it.  If I can be an example and show them how great FAITH is, my prayer is they will follow and develop a strong faith.  I will mess up and makes mistakes but I would want my kids to see it and learn that we all make mistakes but God will help us put things back together and always forgives us if we call out to him.  I want them to be happy and have peace that they have a Brother that is enjoying heaven right now, and one day they will get to see him again.

What If?

I have been thinking a lot about how I live my life, what I say and do, what I believe and how I treat others, my love for others, my faith and does it show in my life.  I want you to do something with me, I want you to think a "What IF" , I am not usually the type of person to do this but I feel it is important to help with an important change I know I need in my life.  Here we go....
What If you were told that in 1 year everything would be taken from you, Your family, your friends, your house, your job, your looks, your talents, You would have nothing tangable to hold on to... Now to do this right you really need to sit and think for a minute, what if it actually happened.
What would change in your life for that last year?  Would you still value the same things, would your talents and the way people look at you matter the same?  Would you focus more on the people you love?  Would you try and help people in need around you more, if it was your last year to ever see them??? Would you cry out to God more (it seems to be the time we do the most.. in crisis)  Would you focus on enternity and wanted to see others there?  Would you put yourself second and put God first?  Would you CHOOSE to respond to circumstances the same, negetively or with Love?  Would you LOVE deeper?

After loosing someone who I loved so deeply for such a short time, and now watching someone who is my best friend and I care about so much go through a very tough battle and fight for her life, I start to realize that life, jobs, talents, people, house, money it could all go in a second.  We can get so caught up in our lives, in who we are, in what defines us instead of who defines us.  Some of us say we want to be saved, we want what God can give us, but we don't want to give God everything.... and the funny thing is, is that these things that we idolize after, that we hold on to so deeply can vanish in a blink.  than what, when everything is gone, then do you turn to God?  When your not the center of the world and no one wants to look at you anymore, or when your dreams come crashing down, then do you start to cry out for help...
I have realized when we have faith and make the CHOICE to put God first then he can use us, he can show us how to love more, how to control our temper, how to manage our money, or how to get through really hard situations.  If we do things for ourselfs and keep trying on our own, life will always be frustating, you will never learn to love properly, or forgive.  Your talents will be wasted and may even crumble in front of your eyes.  Or that person who needed you, who God wanted you to help, and you refused, it may be to late. 

This is heavy stuff but it is so heavy on my heart, to see myself live to my full God potential!  To love and show love like I never have before.. To put others before myself and trust that everything that happens God is still in control and knows tomorrrow.  I don't need approval from man, what I need to do is cry out to God everyday to help me be who he wants me to be.  To love my family and raise my kids in the ways of the Lord.  I want them to live each day as if it were there last, with hope and faith and love, because we live in such a selfish, rich, society it is so easy to forget how blessed we already are.

God brought me little baby Zachariah Isaac Drover and allowed him to stay with my for 107 days for a great purpose.  Through his little life came a huge powerful revaltion in my life and I hope in others.  If God can use his life in such a short time why can't God use my life, use your life.  All we have to do is be willing to give it all up if he asked, not hold on to anything to tight. 

Love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

christmas time, a time for joy and peace. The New Year, a time for New Beginings.

Christmas is a time for Family, Friends, Kids, Love, Laughter, Joy, Peace.  I can say I did have all of that and was surrounded by it.  I enjoyed my family over christmas, especially having my nephews and little sister along with my kids opening presents christmas morning.  They brought a childlike joy that makes you feel so amazing you can't help but laugh and smile.  The Christmas season also brought a lot of distraction, and heartache for other people who are in desprite need for a touch from God.  It made me realize that even though it may be a different situation, none of us are in control of what happens in our lives, we all have a story, we all have heartache, we all need something (someone) more than ourselves to get through each day. 
I thought I would not be able to survive christmas without my little Zach, but I did. Although I thought about him and I missed him a lot, I had a peace that he was ok, that he was safe.  My little sister said that Jesus was giving him presents in heaven. 

Some things have changed in my journey the past month.  Things have become very real to me about Zachariah's death.  I am realizing that he is not coming home, that part has been hard.  I don't think the feeling of loss or missing my sweet baby boy will ever go away but it is true that you do learn, with God's help, how to live with it. 

The strangest change that has happened is that until now I never saw Baby Zach as small or delicate.  He was just Baby Zachariah, my sweet baby boy.  I knew he was small, but never saw it, I new he was fragile, but never saw it.  He was always just perfect and normal in my eyes.  Recently I was looking at his pictures especially from the begining and for the first time realized how small he was, how fragile he was, it actually shocked me that a baby this small could survive.  Wow, what a miracle Zach was, Thankyou God for giving me 107 days with this amazing, strong little man.  Maybe it was God's grace that I never saw him as under a pound.  I never was nervous with him, holding him, changing him, washing him and if I saw how delicate and small he was I may have been to scared and missed the amazing opportunity to spend such intimate time with him. 

I am still dreaming the same few dreams, I dream about Zach passing away in my arms over and over and over, every night.  I really don't like these dreams and I have had them for way to long, but I think now I have had them so long that I am affraid that if these awful dreams stop, I will loose memories to him.  His smell, his touch, his warmth. I am seaking daily for God's grace and peace, and to find another way to hold on to Zach's memory.  This journey is like nothing I have ever been on. Being in the NICU was a roller coaster ride, day by day, and minute by minute, never knowing when it was going to be good or bad.  I guess this journey is simular that where you good days and hard days, never really know when the emotions will hit you.  I am learning that it is ok to miss him, to cry, to talk about him, and that God is with me through it all, I am not alone.  that sounds like an easy concept to grasp, but it really wasn't for me.  It took till now for me to realize that.

I was thinking about Zach the other day, he had the darkest brown eyes, his mommy's eyes.  He had a strong chest and a very stong grip.  His complextion was darker and had beautiful lips.  The last few weeks he started to do those gas smiles, you know the ones where we say they are smilling but it is just gas.  He had the sweetest smile, you had to smile back when you saw him, so sweet, so peaceful.  He was tough, almost never apeared to be in pain or distress.  Dr's were always shocked about how little pain meds he needed after a major surgery.  I sit and wonder what he would be like.  Brock is my big boy, he is strong but sensitive, a protector, he is full of love for his family but a little shy with strangers.  Liv is full of life, strong willed and her own person, she loves people and full of love.  So where would Zach fall, would he be somewhere in the middle?  Would he be strong, but soft spoken, loving life and people?  I guess I will have to wait to find out, until the day when I will go to him.  Until then I will continue this journey we call life and although the loss hurts, I will choose to live life full of love, love for my other 2 preciouse angels, for my family and friends and for those who are hurting around me.