Christmas is a time for Family, Friends, Kids, Love, Laughter, Joy, Peace. I can say I did have all of that and was surrounded by it. I enjoyed my family over christmas, especially having my nephews and little sister along with my kids opening presents christmas morning. They brought a childlike joy that makes you feel so amazing you can't help but laugh and smile. The Christmas season also brought a lot of distraction, and heartache for other people who are in desprite need for a touch from God. It made me realize that even though it may be a different situation, none of us are in control of what happens in our lives, we all have a story, we all have heartache, we all need something (someone) more than ourselves to get through each day.
I thought I would not be able to survive christmas without my little Zach, but I did. Although I thought about him and I missed him a lot, I had a peace that he was ok, that he was safe. My little sister said that Jesus was giving him presents in heaven.
Some things have changed in my journey the past month. Things have become very real to me about Zachariah's death. I am realizing that he is not coming home, that part has been hard. I don't think the feeling of loss or missing my sweet baby boy will ever go away but it is true that you do learn, with God's help, how to live with it.
The strangest change that has happened is that until now I never saw Baby Zach as small or delicate. He was just Baby Zachariah, my sweet baby boy. I knew he was small, but never saw it, I new he was fragile, but never saw it. He was always just perfect and normal in my eyes. Recently I was looking at his pictures especially from the begining and for the first time realized how small he was, how fragile he was, it actually shocked me that a baby this small could survive. Wow, what a miracle Zach was, Thankyou God for giving me 107 days with this amazing, strong little man. Maybe it was God's grace that I never saw him as under a pound. I never was nervous with him, holding him, changing him, washing him and if I saw how delicate and small he was I may have been to scared and missed the amazing opportunity to spend such intimate time with him.
I am still dreaming the same few dreams, I dream about Zach passing away in my arms over and over and over, every night. I really don't like these dreams and I have had them for way to long, but I think now I have had them so long that I am affraid that if these awful dreams stop, I will loose memories to him. His smell, his touch, his warmth. I am seaking daily for God's grace and peace, and to find another way to hold on to Zach's memory. This journey is like nothing I have ever been on. Being in the NICU was a roller coaster ride, day by day, and minute by minute, never knowing when it was going to be good or bad. I guess this journey is simular that where you good days and hard days, never really know when the emotions will hit you. I am learning that it is ok to miss him, to cry, to talk about him, and that God is with me through it all, I am not alone. that sounds like an easy concept to grasp, but it really wasn't for me. It took till now for me to realize that.
I was thinking about Zach the other day, he had the darkest brown eyes, his mommy's eyes. He had a strong chest and a very stong grip. His complextion was darker and had beautiful lips. The last few weeks he started to do those gas smiles, you know the ones where we say they are smilling but it is just gas. He had the sweetest smile, you had to smile back when you saw him, so sweet, so peaceful. He was tough, almost never apeared to be in pain or distress. Dr's were always shocked about how little pain meds he needed after a major surgery. I sit and wonder what he would be like. Brock is my big boy, he is strong but sensitive, a protector, he is full of love for his family but a little shy with strangers. Liv is full of life, strong willed and her own person, she loves people and full of love. So where would Zach fall, would he be somewhere in the middle? Would he be strong, but soft spoken, loving life and people? I guess I will have to wait to find out, until the day when I will go to him. Until then I will continue this journey we call life and although the loss hurts, I will choose to live life full of love, love for my other 2 preciouse angels, for my family and friends and for those who are hurting around me.