I had a really hard time when people would say to me "God won't give you more than you can handle", I would cry out and say God I can't handle this, How could anyone handle loosing there child. I came to realize it is not a personal statement, it doesn't mean I can handle this and you can't, it means non of us can handle it on our own but with God's strength we can get through anything. I have had trouble with a lot of statments but have come to realize that people want to rationalize situations like this and the truth is you just can't. God could of healed him but didn't, the reason only God knows.
You can't control your feelings or emotions or lack of them when struck with a tragedy. It is really hard being out of control, not knowing when feelings are going to hit you. I have experienced nightmares since Zach's death, i replay him dying everynight when I sleep, causing me to not sleep very well. I was determined to control my days if I had no control over the nights. I was in denial for until last week, I didn't feel at all, I could not expect he was gone, the thought of never holding him again was not going to cross my mind. I kept busy with my other two beautiful children trying to get back some sort of new normal and routine. But that can only last so long. I started last week getting a ache in my heart and without realizing getting angry. Angry that at 29 years old I had to have a funeral for my son, Angry that God didn't save him at the end, Angry that people take forgranted their children and abuse them, Angry that people have the choice to have an abortion and I never had a choice to loose my son, Angry that I could not see where God was at the end of Zach's life. Don't get me wrong I am very greatful for a lot in my life, but Anger is still a very real emotion that I needed and need to deal with. I have been and am constantly crying out to God for help and asking Why. Everyday I get a little more peace but the ache and frustration still has not gone away, and I don't know if it ever will.
I daily Thank God for Brock and Liv and for my husband Darryl. The rate of Divorce for a long term sick baby hospital stay and then ending in death is a very high percentage. Darryl and I have fought for our marriage and will always fight for our marriage, it is all we and the kids have and it is worth the fight. I married my husband for better or worse and when the worse comes I need to try even harder. I love my family with all my heart. Even though my heart has a empty space and aches I will not push my family away. I will love them even more than ever. I will try even harder then before. With God's help I can do this! You can do it! God gave us family to love and protect!