I was not sure how this Mothers Day was going to feel? Was it going to be Sad, was it going to be hard, was it going to be impossible to get through the day? I was not sure how my feelings were going to take me, especially since I have learned that when you go through a tragedy your emotions have a good way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. I did know that I going to try as hard as I could to stay very positive and very happy and if those emotions did creep up on me I was still going to smile! I have two of the sweetest children still here with me that do not understand why Mommy would be sad on such an exciting day as Mothers Day! Last night I could not stop the births of all 3 children play through my head, how each one is such a miracle. Brock Austin Drover was born 38 weeks, but about 5 minutes after I had him a nurse noticed his color changed to purple, they quickly took him out of his dad's arms and rushed him into another room then a day later Sick Kids came for him and put him on life support they were uncertain if he would survive. But our God is a big God and Brock pulled through and before we knew it the nightmare was over and we had our sweet baby boy home with us. Then Olivia Claire Drover was born 8 weeks early and went I went into Labour I was rushed to Halifax, a whole other province by myself. But again we serve a very very Big God, My cousin and his wife were there then a day after I had my little girl my Aunt and Uncle came back from vacation and Olivia was born with NO Life threatening complications, she was just small and needed some help with nutrition, and within three weeks I had her home to join our family. Then as I have already told the story of my Angel Zachariah Isaac Drover, I was already in the hospital with some pain when My water broke, they rushed me to the Janeway and I was on bed rest again alone but not alone I had this overwhelming sense of Peace and comfort. The pain I endured when I went back into labour was like nothing I have ever faced or ever want to face, It was 10 hours of labour in my back, front and in my cervix which was double stitched and was trying to dilate - and the doctors just wanted to try and stop my labour but when they realized I was passing out from the pain and my body was shaking they gave me a Epidural and did an emergency C-Section - I keep remembering them counting 1,2,3,4,5 then again 1,2,3,4,5 it felt like eternity before they said he is alive move quickly, he was to small to cry, to small to move much but he was alive - I was exhausted, emotional Darryl had just made it 2 hours before I had him. Zachariah was a miracle and I was his Mommy, I was and am so proud to have been his Mommy! My love for him is no different, no more or less then how I love Brock or Liv. I Loved to Mommy that little angel, to rock him and read to him, to sing to him and Love on him. I would never give up that chance I had to be a Mommy to all 3 of my children.
This morning was very bittersweet as Brock and Liv so very excitedly jumped into my bed with blueberry pancakes soaked in syrup, pineapple and a tea and some wonderful presents they were so proud to have picked out themselves. But as I sat there in my bed with the 2 of them my heart felt sad because there should of been 3 little ones with me on this great day. I felt sad that I can no longer show Zach a Mothers Love, can't wipe his tears, or make him laugh. And as I watched Brock today I realized what that little boy I am missing, what he would be like. I know these days are coming, Days where my heart will ache but I also know I have a faithful God who sees my tears and knows my pain and is always with me. I was able to enjoy my day with my kids, with a smile and laughter but inside a part of me was hurting, a part of the day was missing.
Even Jesus wept and felt sad, when Lazarus died the bible says Jesus wept, he felt compassion for his family and friends. I know that Jesus cares for me and feels compassion when my heart is hurting, he weeps with me and loves me and brings me peace and comfort when I ask. I know that Zach is in an amazing place and he is waiting for us to join him one day, I still miss him and will always Love him, he will always hold a special place in this Mommy's heart!