It has been just over a month since baby Zach passed away, and I am still not feeling like ME. I guess that is why I am going to try and write, expose myself in hopes of stumbling over my thoughts and feelings to find some peace in this mess we call life. That MWS song that I labled this blog with says to "hold on, help is on the way, stay strong, he will never leave you or forsake you" those words, that song has reminded me to keep fighting, keep holding on, stay as strong as I can for my self, my children and my husband who loves me and supports me no matter what .. If it wasn't for Jesus where would I be right now.... saying that this battle is hard, life is hard... Missing a son, loosing a son, holding your son while he takes his last breath is hard. I miss Zachariah every minute of every day. No one can take that pain away, no one can say anything to justify it or make it even a little better. It feels like I actually have a hole in my chest that sometimes hurts when I breath, it makes me feel exhausted and anxious at times. I have moments where I don't want to even want to try to move, to get up, answer the phone but I rise above these moments and keep going I keep holding on, I keep waiting for my help.. It is not easy but I have to, I will not give up - I am determined to get the old Marcy back, I am not expecting for the pain to go away but somehow learn to live with it.
Brock is starting to understand that baby Zach is not coming home, he is so simple and loving, he knows Jesus is taking good care of his little brother but misses him still.
I am finding it very hard to except that Liv is my last baby and she is not a baby anymore. I feel robbed of having the joy of my son, holding him, changing him, watching him take his first step, his first word, first day at school. I feel incomplete and not finished, but i guess that is all part of this journey that I am forced to take, one day I have to find peace, the dreams have to stop, and I have to feel a new normal, one day I have to be happy with me, feel that I am a good mom and wife again that day has to come eventually..... till then I will keep fighting, I will keep my head up and keep showing love to my family even if it is hard, I am determined to get through this...
Zach, Mommy loves you with all her heart, I am so sorry you had to suffer so much, I wish I could of taken your pain, know that you are always in my heart, never forgotten and always loved!!
"when times are hard, God is so good, he never left you and said he never would ... he sees your tears, he fights your fears.. hold on help is on the way" MWS