Celebrating Zachariah's 2nd Birthday!!!

So it has been a week since our Janeway visit, and it has taken this long to gather all my thoughts and feelings to share with you about another amazing experience.  I first want to Thank again everyone who helped brighten up a families day, I know they are forever grateful!  Also Thank you to all the nurses, doctors, surgeons and of course social worker for treating us as a part of the NICU family and team and treating us with so much love and compassion.

The drive to St.John's seemed longer last week than normal, the thoughts of how it would go with the whole family this year, the memories of the NICU and wondering who God would put in our paths to be able to show his Love and compassion.  It is quiet overwhelming, but in the most amazing way possible.  As we walked down the hall towards the NICU at the Janeway, I had this intense emotion come over me, it was a mixture of excitement, longing, sadness, and a very strong Peace.  It was as if this was a normal part of our day, our lives, that this was what we were supposed to do.  We made it to the waiting room and Darryl went to get the social worker (who has been amazing to us, showing so much compassion and shows extreme excitement whenever I walk through the door) .  When I saw her come in, I couldn't help but smile and hug her.  Then just like that, this overly locked down, private facility was open to us as if we had never left.  It always touches my heart to know how well we are treated there and how open they are towards us.  When we got down to where the babies and families are, the nurses came out to embrace us, with tears, they were astonished about how big Brock and Olivia have gotten over the past few years (they were not with me last year since Brock was sick).  They treat the children as if they are family they have not seen in a long time.  Brock was very quick to open the boxes with the gifts in them and hand one to all the nurses, he is so proud of being apart of this.  He asked before we got there if he could help with the babies, little did I know the social worker had him taking gifts into the rooms and handing them out to some families.  Brock loved every minute of it, he told them about his amazing little brother Zachariah, and told them he loved their baby because they are the same as he was.  Sometimes you forget how a child can make a difference, the hospital is turning into a happy place for Brock instead of a sad one.  Two of Zach's Dr.s came down to see us as well for a few minutes.  Next was our turn to talk to some parents, while the nurses happily watched Brock and Liv.  As I turned to go into the NICU room, there in front of me was this amazing man, that I have a great deal of respect for, The biggest smile came to my face as Dr. Hodder, Zachariah's surgeon, stood there, with a big hug, and a tear streaming down my cheak, Our journey to the NICU couldn't get any better.  But it did get better, as we talked to this family and met their precious daughter we felt we had an instant connection, until you have a small baby and a very long NICU stay it is really hard to understand.  I loved them instantly and did not want to take my hand off the Mom's shoulder as she held her angel, I felt us connect and tears said a million words.  Darryl was able to connect with Dad's and show understanding and compassion on how hard it is day after day, when the world around you is going on, your world is on hold, it is hard to work and have time for social, and know one really can understand, It was nice to see and healing for everyone.  We got to see a little girl who just had her 2nd birthday in PICU she was beside Zach when we were there.  This broke my heart, 2 years and her Dad has not brought her home.  I also heard that a family I met last year, and have never forgot, sadly lost their baby girl.  Even though I did not know them on a personal level, my heart was shattered for them, Every person I meet I feel connected to, I don't forget them, I always pray for them and their families.  It is such a hard place to be, every day and minute is very hard and never sure.  My Faith is strong, my heart aches, my burden is increased for these hurting, confused, families.  I want to be a light that can shine for them in their dark place, where there is no hope, I want them to see hope in me.  My light and hope and peace only comes from God.  I feel as if I have a responsibility now to families who are hurting, I hurt with them, Cry with them, Pray for them. 

Almost 4 months of my life was spent in the NICU, while it doesn't seem to be a long time compared to the rest of my life, it is more imprinted on me then anything else I have been through.  The NICU staff still and probably as will feel like my family.  While I have been through the NICU with my other 2 children, it was not the same length and intensity, something about the small babies grabs into my soul and pulls out all my vulnerability and makes me a more compassionate, loving human.  I can't write in words how much I love all the families that are in the NICU, My heart aches for you.  If you were there, if you feel alone in everything, if you feel like you can't go on, you can't face one more doctor with uncertainty, please know you are in my prayers, I am fighting with you for your precious child, You are not alone. We Love you very much!

My heart is tender but my love has grown

It has been 16 months since my angel Zachariah went to heaven and 4 months since my Mom has gone to be with Jesus.  It feels like time is drifting away and I find myself grasping onto memories, holding on so tight to not forget the two people who I love so much.  Zachariah my sweet precious baby and My Mom who has been my best friend and inspiration my whole life.  Life without them hurts but I have been learning to live with this pain.  With God's help I have learned how to keep going and push forward without having to forget about my two angels.  I am more broken, more sensitive, more forgiving, more compassionate, I find myself more willing to give of myself.  I have seen the broken world in a new way, in a way that makes me want to see change, to wipe tears, and give hope to those who can't see past tomorrow.  It hurts everyday to have lost, but with God by my side I can have peace, comfort and compassion.  Because of God I now have a stronger desire for the lost and hurting and dying world. 

I don't just believe with my mind, but now with my heart, God can work all things out for the good.  I want to be there for people, for my community, for the oppressed, for the imprisoned, for the drunks and prostitutes, for the girl who's husband just beat her or Mom who's child just died, the teenager who is addicted to meth and the young girl who just got pregnant and kicked out.  People are hurting and they are our neighbours.  My heart hurts for the lost, My prayers are for the peace of God to rain over their lives, for the comfort and compassion of Christ to visit their homes and that I would be used to help this hurting and dying world.  I am sick of being complacent, life is to short, bad things are always going to happen and I want to be a light in this dark world.  Jesus Saves and can deliver from any depression or addiction.  I want to be used, I want to be an example and bare good fruits.  I  want my Mom or Zach's lives to be instilled in me as an example of true faith and miracles.

My heart breaks for my loss, but my love grows stronger everyday for this world, because of my loss.

Gifts for Families in Memory of Zachariah's 2nd b-day

Research has shown that a Mothers or Fathers voice at the begining of life is important for development and in the NICU for survival of a baby.  My precious angel Zachariah would be turning two this July and this year for his birthday I would like to beable to hand out a special gift to all the parents in the NICU.  I will be giving out gift cards again to the parents but for the babies I would like books for the parents to read to them, to hear there voice and know that they are loved.  My faviourite book to read baby Zach was "Brown Bear".  I am asking for gift cards min $10 for tims, mcdonalds, wendy's, Swiss chalet, Montana's and for either a book or money and I will buy books.  Last year enough gifts were given for every person plus extra for a few months of new families.  This small gift of kindness means the world to these families, just to know someone is caring about their situation and wants to brighten up their day.  Thank you for all who help in any way you can, it also helps me to keep my sweet babies memory strong by helping others.
You can either drop off donations to darryl's work Religious book and bible or my house or mail it to:\
Marcia Drover\
8 Carlton PL\
Grand Falls-Windsor, NL
A2B 1E8
E-Transfers marciadrover@yahoo.com

After the Storm!

It has been a long time since I have blogged,  I have not been sure how to describe how I have been feeling but now feel it is time for healing in my life and this blog has been a great tool for my healing.  As many of you already have heard my beautiful mother passed away at the end of November 2011.  This is so hard to blog about, my life has been circumstances and tragedy for almost 3 years and now I am just left with the aftermath of the storms.  My mom was my life, she was my conscience, she was my prayer warrior, she was my best friend.  Heaven is so blessed to have such a wonderful person.  She is in Heaven with Zachariah standing in all God's glory, waiting for the day that we will all see each other again.  But here on earth in the flesh it is really hard, we are left with set backs financially, and emotionally.  This causes so much emotions that are out of my control, thoughts and feelings that feel like they will eat away at me until there is nothing left.  A heart that is so broken that it feels like the pieces are impossible to be put back together.  An exhaustion that brings on headaches and mood swings that I wish would go away.   And dreams that are so disturbing that I would rather not sleep than have to relive watching Zachariah and my Mom pass away.  In the natural it feels as if my whole world has crashed down on me and I am fighting to get through the ruble.

But in the spiritual, I feel broken, and vulnerable and humble and open to whatever God has in store for my life.  I pray everyday for strength to face the day, to get up and keep going, keep loving my family.  Everyday I force myself to get out of bed and only by God's strength am I able to not just get through my day but get through it with a peace and knowledge that God has not left me.  I am able to do things through the exhaustion that I don't feel like I should be able to.  I have messed up with letting my negative emotions get control of me but as soon as I mess up I ask God for strength, I feel as if I can keep going with a strength that is not mine. ("when I am weak, He is strong") 

I have only have 2 choices, to lay down and let my life and my family crumble before my eyes and live in depression and misery.  Or I can cry out to my Jesus for His strength and His comfort and His Love and in my most lowest moment He still shows up, He picks me up and puts me back on my feet, He guides me and leads me through the path He wants for me.  He allows me to enjoy my kids and family that I still have here on earth.  The days are still hard and probably will be for a while, but I have peace and comfort knowing that My Jesus is always with me and will never leave me.  He is my Rock and my Salvation.  I have realized in a more deeper way that their really is not anything He can not handle if you put all your trust and faith in Him, He will always be there to pick you up when you fall.  Your life is never to messed up or to far gone and the Peace that you get is like nothing the world can give you, it is indescribable to feel safe and know everything will be OK when nothing looks that way in the natural. 

Every part of me longs for My little baby Zachariah Isaac and My heart aches for My Amazing Mom but through all the pain I know everything will be OK, if I rest in God's grace and peace!