Friday, February 18, 2011
I am writing tonight because for the first time in a while I needed to cry out to God for help. I started to feel as if I was facing my emotional Giant and was forgetting that I am not alone in this battle. It happened right after Darryl and I saw and Ordered Zachariah's headstone. At first I was very surprised how I took it so well at the funeral home looking at the picture of the headstone, no emotions, no specific thoughts just something we needed to get done. But, then when I got home I had an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion, and a pressure in the front of my head, as if a big weight was hanging from my head. I realized that I was trying to do things on my own once again, and the pressure of these final dealings with Zach's death where going to be hard. As I sat here trying to over come these feelings of exhaustion and heaviness I remembered that I did not have to do this on my own, I do not have to try and be brave or super human, I just need to let God be in control. I need to sit in a quiet place and listen to what God has for me, where he wants me to be and what he wants me to be doing. Sit and remember that God's hand is on my life and he will bring me and my family peace that passes all understanding. think about how true that statement is, the peace that God gives us is definitely not easy to understand sometimes. Even I wonder how I have not had a breakdown, but I know that when I am weak he is strong! He carries me over green pasture, he restores my soul! We are not supposed to understand God's grace and power, and that is ok, I am happy that I can call upon Him and crawl into His arms and feel safe. Know that he will take care of me, he will carry me when I can not walk anymore, he will restore my soul. I love my baby boy Zachariah Isaac Drover with all my heart and God already knew what the future held before Zachariah was born and he already knew that I would need to be carried through these tough times. I will rejoice for knowing such a gracious, loving God who cares enough about me to love me and gives me hope and peace. This spring Zach's Headstone will be placed into the ground and I will need to be carried once more, but that is what being a christian is about - knowing that he is my comforter and my strength as long as I allow Him to stay in control. He will never leave me or forsake me, we will weep with me and strengthen me. He is my Lord and my God and will not let me fall.