I had a really hard time when people would say to me "God won't give you more than you can handle", I would cry out and say God I can't handle this, How could anyone handle loosing there child. I came to realize it is not a personal statement, it doesn't mean I can handle this and you can't, it means non of us can handle it on our own but with God's strength we can get through anything. I have had trouble with a lot of statments but have come to realize that people want to rationalize situations like this and the truth is you just can't. God could of healed him but didn't, the reason only God knows.
You can't control your feelings or emotions or lack of them when struck with a tragedy. It is really hard being out of control, not knowing when feelings are going to hit you. I have experienced nightmares since Zach's death, i replay him dying everynight when I sleep, causing me to not sleep very well. I was determined to control my days if I had no control over the nights. I was in denial for until last week, I didn't feel at all, I could not expect he was gone, the thought of never holding him again was not going to cross my mind. I kept busy with my other two beautiful children trying to get back some sort of new normal and routine. But that can only last so long. I started last week getting a ache in my heart and without realizing getting angry. Angry that at 29 years old I had to have a funeral for my son, Angry that God didn't save him at the end, Angry that people take forgranted their children and abuse them, Angry that people have the choice to have an abortion and I never had a choice to loose my son, Angry that I could not see where God was at the end of Zach's life. Don't get me wrong I am very greatful for a lot in my life, but Anger is still a very real emotion that I needed and need to deal with. I have been and am constantly crying out to God for help and asking Why. Everyday I get a little more peace but the ache and frustration still has not gone away, and I don't know if it ever will.
I daily Thank God for Brock and Liv and for my husband Darryl. The rate of Divorce for a long term sick baby hospital stay and then ending in death is a very high percentage. Darryl and I have fought for our marriage and will always fight for our marriage, it is all we and the kids have and it is worth the fight. I married my husband for better or worse and when the worse comes I need to try even harder. I love my family with all my heart. Even though my heart has a empty space and aches I will not push my family away. I will love them even more than ever. I will try even harder then before. With God's help I can do this! You can do it! God gave us family to love and protect!
Zachariah Isaac Drover
Friday, November 26, 2010
Zachariah's Story
I have not been open with the death of my baby boy with everyone, as you can imagine it is very personal and close to my heart. It has been a long three and a half weeks since his death and I am still having a hard time knowing how to deal. I thought if I shared his story, my thoughts and feeling, it could accomplish two things. First it will allow me to express how I am feeling, please without any judgement or advice. Also, I am hoping this will help other people dealing with a loss, with doctors, with God, and with Life. This blog is not for everyone to know my personal life, or for gossip, it is to share my story to possible help you or relate with your story. It is always nice to know you are not alone, even if a different situation we all still feel.
Zach's Story,
I was 23 weeks when my water broke and we were given the choice to go to Janeway and fight for this pregnacy and baby, which we were advised had a low percentage of surviving birth, or stay here and have the baby and spend the few minutes with him until he passed. Like any mother, I had no hesitation I needed to fight for my precious baby, the baby that has been kicking me and rolling around, needed me to be his voice, needed me to speak up and fight for him. When I got to the Janeway, I held off labour for 1 week and had my little baby boy at 24 week gestation, weighing just under a pound. We named him Zachariah Isaac Drover. Zachariah means the Lord Remembers. Everyone in the hospital got to know him as Baby Zach.
First Miracle
The doctors told Darryl that he was not going to make it past midnight. But that was the first of many miracles we would experience, because the next morning he was still there and doing well. He was a baby you could not help but love, so small and delicate, but showed such strength and determination. It was love at first sight.
Second Miracle
When Zach was about 3 weeks old he got very sick, he had a disease called NEC which destroys the bowel. The only way to survive and fix NEC was surgery and he was to sick for surgery. They told me to get Dad here, he will survive the next few days, he is going to die. But, God had other plans, for reasons the doctors could not explain, Zach got well enough for surgery, still only weighing 1lb they said he had a good chance of surviving surgery. He had part of his bowel removed and two stomas put in, which we were told could be reversed when he was term. One of the Dr's (that is simular to House) was mad that there was no medical explanation for Zach to be so strong and well, while having NEC.
Third Miracle
Zach had a lot of smaller miracles, some I can't remember. There were times where they had no more IV access and he will not survive without his IV for nutrition, and with explanation of how a nurse would put an IV in.
Zach went through a few months were he finally started growing, and was active. He loved pulling at his wires and loved his soother. He was like any other baby, just a lot smaller. If his stats were bad, they seemed to get better when I came to see him and hold him. He loved cuddles, he showed to be very comfortable and content in my arms. There was nothing I liked better than to hold him and kiss him. We read story's and sang songs. I spent a lot of time in the hospital with Zach. Brock would come in and sing to him, read with me to him, Zach responded to Brock by flapping his tiny arms around, Brock would say he is doing the Chicken Dance. I was able to be a mom to Zach while he was in the hospital, even if it was to wash his face, he loved to blow bubbles. Many times Zach was almost ready to breath on his own, The Doctors started talking about when you go home. He seemed to be on the right track for quite a while. He was getting stronger and bigger, still small for his gestation but he was growing. We knew he would possibly have some issues growing up and we excepted that, he was our son and we loved him no matter what.
When Zach was 36 weeks he developed another bought of NEC and needed another surgery. The surgery seemed to go over well. but a few days after surgery Zach's stomach opened and a leak of his bowel was noticed. They said the only thing saving him was that it was leaking outside the stomach and we needed to wait for it to close on it's own. He was to sick from surgery to have another surgery. This was difficult because we thought we were past all the hard bumps. And the road got harder, a week after surgery Zach got a infection in his blood. They tried various antibiotics, replaced his platlets constantly throughout the day and had disease control see him. They thought they finally had a handle on his infection when another one came and went through his blood into his lungs. At 39 week gestation 15 1/2 weeks old Zach was having multi organ faliure from his infection. The doctors and Surgen tried everything they could do but nothing was working. The infection was eating his platlets faster than they could transfuse them and his organs were not working. Zach was to weak and sick to fight anymore. We had a meeting with the Doctors where they told us we need to spend time with him he is suffering and will not last much longer. They made him very comfortable with drugs and put him in a private room. I was still his mom and wanted him to have his last day as cozy as i could make him. I bought him a sleeper and a teddy bear and a friend bought him a soft blanket. We played music in his room, a CD by Micheal W Smith I had listened to in the van driving back and forth to the hospital. One song said, Healling rain is falling down, I'm Not Afraid. Tuesday night I stayed with Zach all night, the next morning Darryl joined me along with a few visitors. Zach stayed strong until we were all together in our private room. On Wed Nov 3, two days before his due date, at 16 weeks old, Zach's heart started to fail. I took him up in his moms arms, While Dad held his hand and told him it would be ok, Zach went to be with Jesus. I held him and rocked him for a long time, told him I was sorry. Darryl and I wept for him not understanding why we had loose a child. The pain of watching your child die is overwhelming and no mom should have to go through it. there is nothing normal about it. I am grateful to have had spent 4 wonderful months getting to know my sweet baby Zach. I was so blessed to have such a sweet, strong boy. It was hard walking out of the hospital that day, that had become my life, my normal was the hospital, the nurses were my friends and family - they knew Zach and his personality. To leave that felt like I was leaving his memory behind. No one could even imagine what I was going through, espcially since they had never met him. When I got back home, I realized that people didn't have to meet him, he had touched so many lives and people felt connected to him. They couldn't relate to our pain, but there was some comfort knowing they truley cared about our son and his life.
That is Zach's story, I am sure there was a lot more I could of wrote about Zach's life, He was a great little man. I will start blogging more about my new journey I face now.. the Journey without Zach. I hope that though this I can inspire, encourage and let you know you are not alone in whatever you are facing.
Zach's Story,
I was 23 weeks when my water broke and we were given the choice to go to Janeway and fight for this pregnacy and baby, which we were advised had a low percentage of surviving birth, or stay here and have the baby and spend the few minutes with him until he passed. Like any mother, I had no hesitation I needed to fight for my precious baby, the baby that has been kicking me and rolling around, needed me to be his voice, needed me to speak up and fight for him. When I got to the Janeway, I held off labour for 1 week and had my little baby boy at 24 week gestation, weighing just under a pound. We named him Zachariah Isaac Drover. Zachariah means the Lord Remembers. Everyone in the hospital got to know him as Baby Zach.
First Miracle
The doctors told Darryl that he was not going to make it past midnight. But that was the first of many miracles we would experience, because the next morning he was still there and doing well. He was a baby you could not help but love, so small and delicate, but showed such strength and determination. It was love at first sight.
Second Miracle
When Zach was about 3 weeks old he got very sick, he had a disease called NEC which destroys the bowel. The only way to survive and fix NEC was surgery and he was to sick for surgery. They told me to get Dad here, he will survive the next few days, he is going to die. But, God had other plans, for reasons the doctors could not explain, Zach got well enough for surgery, still only weighing 1lb they said he had a good chance of surviving surgery. He had part of his bowel removed and two stomas put in, which we were told could be reversed when he was term. One of the Dr's (that is simular to House) was mad that there was no medical explanation for Zach to be so strong and well, while having NEC.
Third Miracle
Zach had a lot of smaller miracles, some I can't remember. There were times where they had no more IV access and he will not survive without his IV for nutrition, and with explanation of how a nurse would put an IV in.
Zach went through a few months were he finally started growing, and was active. He loved pulling at his wires and loved his soother. He was like any other baby, just a lot smaller. If his stats were bad, they seemed to get better when I came to see him and hold him. He loved cuddles, he showed to be very comfortable and content in my arms. There was nothing I liked better than to hold him and kiss him. We read story's and sang songs. I spent a lot of time in the hospital with Zach. Brock would come in and sing to him, read with me to him, Zach responded to Brock by flapping his tiny arms around, Brock would say he is doing the Chicken Dance. I was able to be a mom to Zach while he was in the hospital, even if it was to wash his face, he loved to blow bubbles. Many times Zach was almost ready to breath on his own, The Doctors started talking about when you go home. He seemed to be on the right track for quite a while. He was getting stronger and bigger, still small for his gestation but he was growing. We knew he would possibly have some issues growing up and we excepted that, he was our son and we loved him no matter what.
When Zach was 36 weeks he developed another bought of NEC and needed another surgery. The surgery seemed to go over well. but a few days after surgery Zach's stomach opened and a leak of his bowel was noticed. They said the only thing saving him was that it was leaking outside the stomach and we needed to wait for it to close on it's own. He was to sick from surgery to have another surgery. This was difficult because we thought we were past all the hard bumps. And the road got harder, a week after surgery Zach got a infection in his blood. They tried various antibiotics, replaced his platlets constantly throughout the day and had disease control see him. They thought they finally had a handle on his infection when another one came and went through his blood into his lungs. At 39 week gestation 15 1/2 weeks old Zach was having multi organ faliure from his infection. The doctors and Surgen tried everything they could do but nothing was working. The infection was eating his platlets faster than they could transfuse them and his organs were not working. Zach was to weak and sick to fight anymore. We had a meeting with the Doctors where they told us we need to spend time with him he is suffering and will not last much longer. They made him very comfortable with drugs and put him in a private room. I was still his mom and wanted him to have his last day as cozy as i could make him. I bought him a sleeper and a teddy bear and a friend bought him a soft blanket. We played music in his room, a CD by Micheal W Smith I had listened to in the van driving back and forth to the hospital. One song said, Healling rain is falling down, I'm Not Afraid. Tuesday night I stayed with Zach all night, the next morning Darryl joined me along with a few visitors. Zach stayed strong until we were all together in our private room. On Wed Nov 3, two days before his due date, at 16 weeks old, Zach's heart started to fail. I took him up in his moms arms, While Dad held his hand and told him it would be ok, Zach went to be with Jesus. I held him and rocked him for a long time, told him I was sorry. Darryl and I wept for him not understanding why we had loose a child. The pain of watching your child die is overwhelming and no mom should have to go through it. there is nothing normal about it. I am grateful to have had spent 4 wonderful months getting to know my sweet baby Zach. I was so blessed to have such a sweet, strong boy. It was hard walking out of the hospital that day, that had become my life, my normal was the hospital, the nurses were my friends and family - they knew Zach and his personality. To leave that felt like I was leaving his memory behind. No one could even imagine what I was going through, espcially since they had never met him. When I got back home, I realized that people didn't have to meet him, he had touched so many lives and people felt connected to him. They couldn't relate to our pain, but there was some comfort knowing they truley cared about our son and his life.
That is Zach's story, I am sure there was a lot more I could of wrote about Zach's life, He was a great little man. I will start blogging more about my new journey I face now.. the Journey without Zach. I hope that though this I can inspire, encourage and let you know you are not alone in whatever you are facing.
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