Zachariah Isaac Drover

Zachariah Isaac Drover

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I want to take away your pain.... but I can't!!!!

I want to take away your pain, your suffering, your burdens.  If you could live in peace with no health problems, I would go through the pain for you.  I know that Jesus will comfort you and bring you peace, he will give you strength to face today, to face your trials and to get through your desert.  But I want to be able to take your pain and suffering from you, let me go through it for you so I can help.  I can't take away your pain so I feel helpless to sit and watch you through your journey.  What I can do is Pray, Pray for peace, strength, and healing.  Healing for your body and mind.  Pray for whatever happens, it is what God wills. 

This is the second time in a year I have had these feelings about someone I care about .  First was Zachariah, I still wish I could have taken away his pain and suffering, all I could do was watch and pray, hug him and pray, be close to him and pray.  I couldn't take away his burdens I couldn't save him from dying - but I could Love on him and Pray and know that God was always with him, always holding him and gave him so much strength to face his tough days.  Now I face the same with My Mom, I can't take away her pain and suffering, I can't have cancer instead of her, but I can pray for her, I can Love on her and Pray for her, I can be close to her and pray for her, I can pray for her healing, I can pray for strength to face each day, I can pray for her mind and positive thoughts, I can pray for God's will to be done.
 I would take all of Zach's and Mom's sickness and pain and go through it myself, if it meant they didn't have to, but I can't, so I will keep praying and believing that God knows what he is doing in every situation.  He has a plan for our lives and when He allows tragic events to happen in our lives and we put all of trust and faith in him through our situation, He can use us in ways we could of never imagined.  I have been very fascinated with Job lately, that a Man could go through so much and still know that he was in God's will and God had a plan for him.  In the end when he was at his worse, everything was taken from him, his kids were dead his lively hood was gone, he was in dying pain from the sores on his body and his wife, family and friends were telling him to curse God for giving him so much sorrow.  Even through all that Job still trusted in God, still knew that God had a plan for him.  It didn't mean he didn't want the pain to end, he definitely did but He also knew God would never leave him or forsake him.  He says,  before I only heard Jesus but know I can see him to.  Sometimes it takes the hardest things in our lives, devastating situations to bring us closer to God to fulfill our calling in a more powerful way,  If we choose to turn to him through it.   I am and have had a hard time watching two people I love go through the worst battle of their lives, but I know that God's hand is and had always been on them and he has never left them and had and will always comfort them no matter how hard it gets.  I know he is always with me, never leaves me, always is with me and will always comfort me.  I know that through everything I have been through I am getting closer and closer to God - I have not just heard him but I have seen him.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

To be a Mommy to 3 amazing children.... One that is in Heaven

I was not sure how this Mothers Day was going to feel?  Was it going to be Sad, was it going to be hard, was it going to be impossible to get through the day?  I was not sure how my feelings were going to take me, especially since I have learned that when you go through a tragedy your emotions have a good way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.  I did know that I going to try as hard as I could to stay very positive and very happy and if those emotions did creep up on me I was still going to smile!  I have two of the sweetest children still here with me that do not understand why Mommy would be sad on such an exciting day as Mothers Day!  Last night I could not stop the births of all 3 children play through my head, how each one is such a miracle.  Brock Austin Drover was born 38 weeks, but about 5 minutes after I had him a nurse noticed his color changed to purple, they quickly took him out of his dad's arms and rushed him into another room then a day later Sick Kids came for him and put him on life support they were uncertain if he would survive.  But our God is a big God and Brock pulled through and before we knew it the nightmare was over and we had our sweet baby boy home with us.  Then Olivia Claire Drover was born 8 weeks early and went I went into Labour I was rushed to Halifax, a whole other province by myself.  But again we serve a very very Big God, My cousin and his wife were there then a day after I had my little girl my Aunt and Uncle came back from vacation and Olivia was born with NO Life threatening complications, she was just small and needed some help with nutrition, and within three weeks I had her home to join our family.  Then as I have already told the story of my Angel Zachariah Isaac Drover, I was already in the hospital with some pain when My water broke, they rushed me to the Janeway and I was on bed rest again alone but not alone I had this overwhelming sense of Peace and comfort.  The pain I endured when I went back into labour was like nothing I have ever faced or ever want to face, It was 10 hours of labour in my back, front and in my cervix which was double stitched and was trying to dilate - and the doctors just wanted to try and stop my labour but when they realized I was passing out from the pain and my body was shaking they gave me a Epidural and did an emergency C-Section - I keep remembering them counting 1,2,3,4,5 then again 1,2,3,4,5 it felt like eternity before they said he is alive move quickly, he was to small to cry, to small to move much but he was alive - I was exhausted, emotional Darryl had just made it 2 hours before I had him.  Zachariah was a miracle and I was his Mommy, I was and am so proud to have been his Mommy!  My love for him is no different, no more or less then how I love Brock or Liv.  I Loved to Mommy that little angel, to rock him and read to him, to sing to him and Love on him.  I would never give up that chance I had to be a Mommy to all 3 of my children. 
This morning was very bittersweet as Brock and Liv so very excitedly jumped into my bed with blueberry pancakes soaked in syrup, pineapple and a tea and some wonderful presents they were so proud to have picked out themselves.  But as I sat there in my bed with the 2 of them my heart felt sad because there should of been 3 little ones with me on this great day.  I felt sad that I can no longer show Zach a Mothers Love, can't wipe his tears, or make him laugh.  And as I watched Brock today I realized what that little boy I am missing, what he would be like.  I know these days are coming, Days where my heart will ache but I also know I have a faithful God who sees my tears and knows my pain and is always with me.  I was able to enjoy my day with my kids, with a smile and laughter but inside a part of me was hurting, a part of the day was missing. 
Even Jesus wept and felt sad, when Lazarus died the bible says Jesus wept, he felt compassion for his family and friends.  I know that Jesus cares for me and feels compassion when my heart is hurting, he weeps with me and loves me and brings me peace and comfort when I ask.  I know that Zach is in an amazing place and he is waiting for us to join him one day, I still miss him and will always Love him, he will always hold a special place in this Mommy's heart!

Monday, May 2, 2011

we do not have to go through it alone.

Life has been feeling very busy lately, very rushed, very exhausting, very stressful good and bad, and a lot to think about when I should be sleeping!  I know I can't be alone in this, I am sure we all go through these valley's in our lives where you just want life to slow down, physically, emotionally and mentally.  Something though is that when I do stop and sit and pray, I have this peace this comfort that I will make it, I will have the strength to get through anything that is thrown at me with God's help.  The Book of James talks about our lives being like a vapour, not to worry about tomorrow because our lives go so fast and it means so little on earth compared to our lives in heaven for eternity.  In some ways it brings some comfort why God does or doesn't heal, or do things the way we think he should.  His plan for our lives is usually so far from what we thought or wanted it to be.  I would do anything for God to have healed Zachariah, to take him home and have him live his life with us as a family. God had a great purpose and plan and reasons I will probably never understand why he took him.  All I can do is trust that everything that happens on this earth is for a reason and plan to glorify God. I need to remind myself that if I always put my trust in God over every situation in my life whether it is finances, death, disappointment, hurt, I can get through it as long as I keep my head looking to heaven, once we start to waver, look to other things to numb the pain or fill in an empty space we are heading for a destructive road that only leads to more hurt and pain.  but when we cry out to God and trust that he can help us, when we pray and read our bible, God will help us through it, doesn't mean the pain is gone, it means you feel like you are not alone, you have a great peace and unexplainable strength to get through your journey.
My Mom is facing a hard journey and to watch her trust and have so much faith and God strength is so encouraging.  I feel like I am not their yet, I want to be, I want to faith that anything is possible and I know if I keep praying for it and seeking after I will be able to feel the same reassurance that God really can do anything!  I am still so full of questions at times and I am stuck sometimes on the earthly realities of our lives, but my prayer is that, just as God has helped me through situations and has given me a great peace, He will also help me understand true Faith!