Do you ever have that day where you feel dull, low, you have questions that just can't be answered..... These question are questions that you thought you already had peace with, already excepted the answer to??? I had that day the other day. I am not sure if it was because my Mom's chemo took everything out of her and put her in the hospital, or is it that I am still working on the fact that God didn't answer my prayer to heal Zachariah the way I wanted him to? Whatever the reason was, I had that day, I questioned my faith, my belief, the way I deal with life's bumps. I talked to Darryl on a drive home from St.John's questioning why God allows these things? Why do we have to suffer, My mom is suffering through Chemo and is going through what no one should have to go through. Zachariah, his little body went through what no little baby should have to go through, when all God has to do is heal their bodies. God can part a sea and turn water into wine, he can raise someone from the dead, and for only reasons he knows he allows us to go through pain. On that drive I started to tell Darryl I want to deal the way he does, push everything back so far so I can't feel the pain but Darryl told me I can't because the pain is always their. and that I need to deal the way that is healthy and good for me, by talking about it and by allowing God to help me, by crying out to God to heal my heart and help me through this, to allow Jesus to weep with me. I will be so much happier, stronger, wiser. I will be a better Wife, Mother and Friend. I am back on track that bad day is over and my Trust is restored, I am leaning on my faith for comfort and strength. I dont' blame God or question why he does what he does, his plan is so much greater than what I can comprehend and he knows our future. I can't do anything on my own, it is to hard. Life still hurts and is still confusing sometimes, but I do know the peace I have when I trust in God is overwhelming and indescribable. There are some sad days ahead of me, One being Zachariah's birthday, but it will be exciting at the same time when we give other families a gift to help brighten their hard and some sad day. I also love to know that Zach is waiting for all of us in heaven, he is enjoying an amazing life for eternity.
Some of my pain I have come to realize that some of my pain is selfish pain, it is pain that I want to hold my baby, I want to watch him and love him. But if I think about Zachariah, I smile because he is not in pain anymore, he is not suffering anymore. He is always smiling, never sad! Darryl got a plaque done for the hospital in memory of Zach and on the plaque he wrote a verse on it that says: "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him to help you do it and he will" Psalm 37:5 This spoke so clearly to me that if I trust God, he will help me through any situation, and it is as simple as just to ask him. He doesn't promise to fix everything in our lives but he does promise to help us overcome our battles and obstacles if we just ask.