Zachariah Isaac Drover

Zachariah Isaac Drover

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Mothers Day - a letter to Zachariah


I wonder every day what you are doing in heaven?  Are you having a laugh with your grandma or just so overwhelmed in God's prescience.  I know you are happy, and over joyed by where you are.  I do miss you here on earth, I know to you it is not long before I see you again, but here it feels like eternity especially on special days, especially with Mommy's day approaching.  I can picture you running into my bed mothers day morning so excited that you made a card and helped sis bro and dad with breaky, I can picture the laughter and hugs and kisses you would of had for everyone.  I know you are a happy boy, a boy with so much joy it would fill a room and make even the grumpiest person smile!  I miss you my boy, I know God has reasons for everything, and i am content with that, but my heart still breaks when i think about holding you, when I think about how much Brock and Liv would of loved to grow up with you.  This is my 3rd Mothers day without you but for some reason seems the hardest.  Please know that I am not upset that your gone b/c I know how amazing heaven must be for you - my heart just hurts knowing I have to wait so long to see you again.  Know how much I love you - You are my special angel boy who made a huge change in lives of many, especially in mine.  I never will forget the gift you gave me for 107 days of getting to know you, I am a better mom b/c i knew you, Thank you my boy for giving me that gift and allowing me that time with the most special little man.  I will have a few tears next Sunday, but know they will only be because I love you so much that it makes me cry sometimes, but know that My heart is also happy that you are with your father in heaven. 
Until we meet again, Love you forever and always


Your Mommy

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Celebrating Zachariah's 2nd Birthday!!!

So it has been a week since our Janeway visit, and it has taken this long to gather all my thoughts and feelings to share with you about another amazing experience.  I first want to Thank again everyone who helped brighten up a families day, I know they are forever grateful!  Also Thank you to all the nurses, doctors, surgeons and of course social worker for treating us as a part of the NICU family and team and treating us with so much love and compassion.

The drive to St.John's seemed longer last week than normal, the thoughts of how it would go with the whole family this year, the memories of the NICU and wondering who God would put in our paths to be able to show his Love and compassion.  It is quiet overwhelming, but in the most amazing way possible.  As we walked down the hall towards the NICU at the Janeway, I had this intense emotion come over me, it was a mixture of excitement, longing, sadness, and a very strong Peace.  It was as if this was a normal part of our day, our lives, that this was what we were supposed to do.  We made it to the waiting room and Darryl went to get the social worker (who has been amazing to us, showing so much compassion and shows extreme excitement whenever I walk through the door) .  When I saw her come in, I couldn't help but smile and hug her.  Then just like that, this overly locked down, private facility was open to us as if we had never left.  It always touches my heart to know how well we are treated there and how open they are towards us.  When we got down to where the babies and families are, the nurses came out to embrace us, with tears, they were astonished about how big Brock and Olivia have gotten over the past few years (they were not with me last year since Brock was sick).  They treat the children as if they are family they have not seen in a long time.  Brock was very quick to open the boxes with the gifts in them and hand one to all the nurses, he is so proud of being apart of this.  He asked before we got there if he could help with the babies, little did I know the social worker had him taking gifts into the rooms and handing them out to some families.  Brock loved every minute of it, he told them about his amazing little brother Zachariah, and told them he loved their baby because they are the same as he was.  Sometimes you forget how a child can make a difference, the hospital is turning into a happy place for Brock instead of a sad one.  Two of Zach's Dr.s came down to see us as well for a few minutes.  Next was our turn to talk to some parents, while the nurses happily watched Brock and Liv.  As I turned to go into the NICU room, there in front of me was this amazing man, that I have a great deal of respect for, The biggest smile came to my face as Dr. Hodder, Zachariah's surgeon, stood there, with a big hug, and a tear streaming down my cheak, Our journey to the NICU couldn't get any better.  But it did get better, as we talked to this family and met their precious daughter we felt we had an instant connection, until you have a small baby and a very long NICU stay it is really hard to understand.  I loved them instantly and did not want to take my hand off the Mom's shoulder as she held her angel, I felt us connect and tears said a million words.  Darryl was able to connect with Dad's and show understanding and compassion on how hard it is day after day, when the world around you is going on, your world is on hold, it is hard to work and have time for social, and know one really can understand, It was nice to see and healing for everyone.  We got to see a little girl who just had her 2nd birthday in PICU she was beside Zach when we were there.  This broke my heart, 2 years and her Dad has not brought her home.  I also heard that a family I met last year, and have never forgot, sadly lost their baby girl.  Even though I did not know them on a personal level, my heart was shattered for them, Every person I meet I feel connected to, I don't forget them, I always pray for them and their families.  It is such a hard place to be, every day and minute is very hard and never sure.  My Faith is strong, my heart aches, my burden is increased for these hurting, confused, families.  I want to be a light that can shine for them in their dark place, where there is no hope, I want them to see hope in me.  My light and hope and peace only comes from God.  I feel as if I have a responsibility now to families who are hurting, I hurt with them, Cry with them, Pray for them. 

Almost 4 months of my life was spent in the NICU, while it doesn't seem to be a long time compared to the rest of my life, it is more imprinted on me then anything else I have been through.  The NICU staff still and probably as will feel like my family.  While I have been through the NICU with my other 2 children, it was not the same length and intensity, something about the small babies grabs into my soul and pulls out all my vulnerability and makes me a more compassionate, loving human.  I can't write in words how much I love all the families that are in the NICU, My heart aches for you.  If you were there, if you feel alone in everything, if you feel like you can't go on, you can't face one more doctor with uncertainty, please know you are in my prayers, I am fighting with you for your precious child, You are not alone. We Love you very much!

Friday, March 30, 2012

My heart is tender but my love has grown

It has been 16 months since my angel Zachariah went to heaven and 4 months since my Mom has gone to be with Jesus.  It feels like time is drifting away and I find myself grasping onto memories, holding on so tight to not forget the two people who I love so much.  Zachariah my sweet precious baby and My Mom who has been my best friend and inspiration my whole life.  Life without them hurts but I have been learning to live with this pain.  With God's help I have learned how to keep going and push forward without having to forget about my two angels.  I am more broken, more sensitive, more forgiving, more compassionate, I find myself more willing to give of myself.  I have seen the broken world in a new way, in a way that makes me want to see change, to wipe tears, and give hope to those who can't see past tomorrow.  It hurts everyday to have lost, but with God by my side I can have peace, comfort and compassion.  Because of God I now have a stronger desire for the lost and hurting and dying world. 

I don't just believe with my mind, but now with my heart, God can work all things out for the good.  I want to be there for people, for my community, for the oppressed, for the imprisoned, for the drunks and prostitutes, for the girl who's husband just beat her or Mom who's child just died, the teenager who is addicted to meth and the young girl who just got pregnant and kicked out.  People are hurting and they are our neighbours.  My heart hurts for the lost, My prayers are for the peace of God to rain over their lives, for the comfort and compassion of Christ to visit their homes and that I would be used to help this hurting and dying world.  I am sick of being complacent, life is to short, bad things are always going to happen and I want to be a light in this dark world.  Jesus Saves and can deliver from any depression or addiction.  I want to be used, I want to be an example and bare good fruits.  I  want my Mom or Zach's lives to be instilled in me as an example of true faith and miracles.

My heart breaks for my loss, but my love grows stronger everyday for this world, because of my loss.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Gifts for Families in Memory of Zachariah's 2nd b-day

Research has shown that a Mothers or Fathers voice at the begining of life is important for development and in the NICU for survival of a baby.  My precious angel Zachariah would be turning two this July and this year for his birthday I would like to beable to hand out a special gift to all the parents in the NICU.  I will be giving out gift cards again to the parents but for the babies I would like books for the parents to read to them, to hear there voice and know that they are loved.  My faviourite book to read baby Zach was "Brown Bear".  I am asking for gift cards min $10 for tims, mcdonalds, wendy's, Swiss chalet, Montana's and for either a book or money and I will buy books.  Last year enough gifts were given for every person plus extra for a few months of new families.  This small gift of kindness means the world to these families, just to know someone is caring about their situation and wants to brighten up their day.  Thank you for all who help in any way you can, it also helps me to keep my sweet babies memory strong by helping others.
You can either drop off donations to darryl's work Religious book and bible or my house or mail it to:\
Marcia Drover\
8 Carlton PL\
Grand Falls-Windsor, NL
A2B 1E8

Monday, January 23, 2012

After the Storm!

It has been a long time since I have blogged,  I have not been sure how to describe how I have been feeling but now feel it is time for healing in my life and this blog has been a great tool for my healing.  As many of you already have heard my beautiful mother passed away at the end of November 2011.  This is so hard to blog about, my life has been circumstances and tragedy for almost 3 years and now I am just left with the aftermath of the storms.  My mom was my life, she was my conscience, she was my prayer warrior, she was my best friend.  Heaven is so blessed to have such a wonderful person.  She is in Heaven with Zachariah standing in all God's glory, waiting for the day that we will all see each other again.  But here on earth in the flesh it is really hard, we are left with set backs financially, and emotionally.  This causes so much emotions that are out of my control, thoughts and feelings that feel like they will eat away at me until there is nothing left.  A heart that is so broken that it feels like the pieces are impossible to be put back together.  An exhaustion that brings on headaches and mood swings that I wish would go away.   And dreams that are so disturbing that I would rather not sleep than have to relive watching Zachariah and my Mom pass away.  In the natural it feels as if my whole world has crashed down on me and I am fighting to get through the ruble.

But in the spiritual, I feel broken, and vulnerable and humble and open to whatever God has in store for my life.  I pray everyday for strength to face the day, to get up and keep going, keep loving my family.  Everyday I force myself to get out of bed and only by God's strength am I able to not just get through my day but get through it with a peace and knowledge that God has not left me.  I am able to do things through the exhaustion that I don't feel like I should be able to.  I have messed up with letting my negative emotions get control of me but as soon as I mess up I ask God for strength, I feel as if I can keep going with a strength that is not mine. ("when I am weak, He is strong") 

I have only have 2 choices, to lay down and let my life and my family crumble before my eyes and live in depression and misery.  Or I can cry out to my Jesus for His strength and His comfort and His Love and in my most lowest moment He still shows up, He picks me up and puts me back on my feet, He guides me and leads me through the path He wants for me.  He allows me to enjoy my kids and family that I still have here on earth.  The days are still hard and probably will be for a while, but I have peace and comfort knowing that My Jesus is always with me and will never leave me.  He is my Rock and my Salvation.  I have realized in a more deeper way that their really is not anything He can not handle if you put all your trust and faith in Him, He will always be there to pick you up when you fall.  Your life is never to messed up or to far gone and the Peace that you get is like nothing the world can give you, it is indescribable to feel safe and know everything will be OK when nothing looks that way in the natural. 

Every part of me longs for My little baby Zachariah Isaac and My heart aches for My Amazing Mom but through all the pain I know everything will be OK, if I rest in God's grace and peace!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

A Gift for 107 Days

What if I knew it was only 107 Days would I have done anything different?  Would I have held him more?  been at the hospital day and night?  If I knew this precious gift was only going to be lent to me for 107 days would I have felt any different about him? 

It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, the feeling as if my cervix was being tore out and this sensation followed after the normal cramping and back labour I had experienced with my last 2 pregnancies.  But this was so much worse, physically, emotionally, and mentally, I was to early to be in labour and even with my cervix double stitched shut my body had full intentions of carry out child birth even without an opening.  All alone and with Darryl racing to St.John's, this intense torture carried on for six hours.  Darryl arrived just in time for them to bring me in for emergency C Section.  Could a baby at 24 weeks survive?  They told me girls were stronger, had a much better chance at survival, I remember praying for that girl, praying for that strong baby to hold and love.  It seemed like an eternity for them to get the baby, wondering if he would survive, then they said it's a boy!  My heart sank - not that i don't love boys - Brock has been such a treasure - I just wanted the best odds.  But that is how faith building works, you need no odds and no hope to put all your hope and faith in God, sometimes that is what it takes.  They took him out so fast and started counting 1 2 3 4 5  1 2 3 4 5 after they counted a few times they said OK MOVE HIM NOW and started to try to open his lungs.  I barley got a chance to see him, he was so tiny and fragile, my little boy, I didn't know it at the time but he was going to become my hero. 

The Doctors worked on him for 2 hours to open his lungs and where successful only to tell Darryl he did not have much chance to survive past midnight.  The next morning we took our first trip down to the NICU and there was my precious, sweet, strong baby boy, weighing just under 1 lb and about as long as a ruler.  He was full of tubes and wires and machines most of which I had seen before from my other two babies being in the NICU.  I was so afraid to touch him at first, afraid of germs and hurting his little body.  It did not take long at all before I was being his mom, changing his bum, wiping his face, giving him his soother and of course having my cuddles.  He was my boy and like any other baby just a lot smaller.  He was my Zachariah Isaac Drover. 

For 107 Days I was given this precious gift to love and cherish and take care of.  For 107 Days he was given to me to teach me about sacrifice, true love, compassion, Faith, Prayer, truly seeking God's face, Trusting, Believing, putting God in control of my whole life.  In some ways I would say for that 107 that Baby Zach was given to me by God to save my life, my marriage, my family.  You may think that through all this statistics say that those 107 days should of wrecked my life.  But because I learned to put my whole life in God's hands and trust him through every situation, to really know that God really will never leave me and always see me through with peace.  That is why God allowed me to have baby Zach for 107, one of his purposes was to save my life, to help me grow in faith and by braking me so much that I had to become so much stronger in Christ.  Baby Zach Became My Hero!

One Year ago on November 3, 2011 Baby Zach at 107 Days old was placed in my arms while his Dad held his hand, He took his last breath and His heart slowly stopped.  One Year ago I sat in a chair holding my precious son, while the tears streamed down my face it felt as if I passed him up to Jesus.  I had to give him back to his maker.  Our children really are gifts from God, given to us to take care of for him.  Baby Zach may have only lived on this earth for 107 Days but he was a great testimony of God's amazing faith and miraculous power.  No baby weighing less then a pound should survive 1 day and We got to enjoy him for 107 Days.  I will always Love him with all my heart, Always miss him, Never forget how wonderful he was, and Always be thankful for being allowed to have him for almost 4 months.  I will meet him again one day in heaven, until that day I will continue to seek God in every circumstance and every situation with more integrity then I ever have. 


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I am tired and weary - finding that place of rest in him!

Mom has had a rough couple day, while they where able to get control of her pain and symptoms she is battling anxiety and restlessness today, something that she has no control over happening.  Her mind and body are fighting against her and this causes a very bad reaction.  I feel restless today as well, I want to help her so much, in the physical I want to take away this battle for her.  I keep crying out to God for her peace and comfort of her body, mind and spirit.  It is a battle to watch your loved one suffer so much, it is so hard to truly give everyday to God and allow him to take control.  especially when your body and mind are fighting against all notions that everything will be OK.  In the natural everything is not OK, but it is getting into that spiritual place where you throw up your hands and give up everything to God.  I am having a day because mom is having a day and I can't fix it in the natural - but days like today I also get stronger because I am forced to relay on God even more, I am forced to trust Him that he has everything under control, I am forced to give up and let God take control of my thoughts and actions.  If I don't do this than I will fall apart on my own strength and Mom will fall apart on her own strength.  This doesn't make things easy, it just brings peace and Grace and a better understanding, His understanding.