It has been a long time since I have blogged, I have not been sure how to describe how I have been feeling but now feel it is time for healing in my life and this blog has been a great tool for my healing. As many of you already have heard my beautiful mother passed away at the end of November 2011. This is so hard to blog about, my life has been circumstances and tragedy for almost 3 years and now I am just left with the aftermath of the storms. My mom was my life, she was my conscience, she was my prayer warrior, she was my best friend. Heaven is so blessed to have such a wonderful person. She is in Heaven with Zachariah standing in all God's glory, waiting for the day that we will all see each other again. But here on earth in the flesh it is really hard, we are left with set backs financially, and emotionally. This causes so much emotions that are out of my control, thoughts and feelings that feel like they will eat away at me until there is nothing left. A heart that is so broken that it feels like the pieces are impossible to be put back together. An exhaustion that brings on headaches and mood swings that I wish would go away. And dreams that are so disturbing that I would rather not sleep than have to relive watching Zachariah and my Mom pass away. In the natural it feels as if my whole world has crashed down on me and I am fighting to get through the ruble.
But in the spiritual, I feel broken, and vulnerable and humble and open to whatever God has in store for my life. I pray everyday for strength to face the day, to get up and keep going, keep loving my family. Everyday I force myself to get out of bed and only by God's strength am I able to not just get through my day but get through it with a peace and knowledge that God has not left me. I am able to do things through the exhaustion that I don't feel like I should be able to. I have messed up with letting my negative emotions get control of me but as soon as I mess up I ask God for strength, I feel as if I can keep going with a strength that is not mine. ("when I am weak, He is strong")
I have only have 2 choices, to lay down and let my life and my family crumble before my eyes and live in depression and misery. Or I can cry out to my Jesus for His strength and His comfort and His Love and in my most lowest moment He still shows up, He picks me up and puts me back on my feet, He guides me and leads me through the path He wants for me. He allows me to enjoy my kids and family that I still have here on earth. The days are still hard and probably will be for a while, but I have peace and comfort knowing that My Jesus is always with me and will never leave me. He is my Rock and my Salvation. I have realized in a more deeper way that their really is not anything He can not handle if you put all your trust and faith in Him, He will always be there to pick you up when you fall. Your life is never to messed up or to far gone and the Peace that you get is like nothing the world can give you, it is indescribable to feel safe and know everything will be OK when nothing looks that way in the natural.
Every part of me longs for My little baby Zachariah Isaac and My heart aches for My Amazing Mom but through all the pain I know everything will be OK, if I rest in God's grace and peace!