Zachariah Isaac Drover

Zachariah Isaac Drover

Monday, January 31, 2011

What I want for my children????

What do I want for my children?  That was the question asked last night at bible study.  While I couldn't answer last night, I would like to answer now.  It is a very emotional question because I have changed these past few months, I have a new understanding, a new heart felt drive to see certain things for my children and my family.  The reason I couldn't say anything last night was because it is so real to me that I don't want people to think I am saying it just to say it.  I want people to know through my actions not my words how real everything has become, since Zachariah went to be with Jesus.  Please read my answer to the question and try to understand this is a passion to see this lived out for everyone.
What I want for my Children is shown in a parable in Luke 18:18-30
"and a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"  And Jesus said to him, "Why do you call me good?  No one is good but God alone.  You know the commandments:  Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honor you father and mother."  And he said, "All these I have kept from my youth."  When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack.  Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.  But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.  Jesus, seeing that he had become sad, said, "How difficult it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!  For it is easier for a camel to go through the ye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."  Those who heard it said, " Then who can be saved?"  But he said, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." 

I want my children to know how real God is.  I want them to know that if they trust in God, if they give everything to God and do not hold on to anything in this life to tight, that God will always be there to help them.  When they go through tragedy or impossible situations God will be there to help them through.  I want them to know how to really trust God, To have REAL faith.  If they have nothing, trust in God, and if they have everything, Trust in God.  I don't ever want them to loose sight of how powerful God's love is.  How forgiving God is.  I want them to know that if God blesses them with a lot, to not hold onto to it to tight, to not make it everything to them, to always know it could be all gone in a second.  Be giving and caring, loving and compassionate.  I don't care what they have or their job title, I care that they are using these gifts for God, I care about their eternity and for them to know God in such a tangible way that they will not be afraid when circumstances come there way.  I want them to know that this world we live in is full of sin and bad things are always happening.  But if they trust in God and have faith there will never be anything that they can not get through or handle.  I want them to know God may not do things in their way or their timing but he has a plan for their lives and will work all things out for the good.  I want them to never be afraid, God will never leave them, even if they can't feel him sometimes, he is always there.  I want this all to be real to them.  Because I think we can say a lot of things but if God really did say to you, give all your money to the poor, would we really trust him and follow him and listen.  Would we really believe that he holds our future and is in control, or would we be to scared.  I want my kids to know that they know, that God is always in control. 
Also, I want them to know that their little Brother Zachariah is in a place where you don't need things of this earth, where there is no pain or suffering, no heartache or destruction.  Our lives on the earth are so short.  So live life for God, learn to listen to his voice.  If you have nothing or everything know God is in control.  Use your talents for God, and don't let your talents or your job define you.  And Stay HUMBLE.  Pride comes before a fall. 
I want all this for my kids so much that it overtakes my emotions when I think about it.  If I can be an example and show them how great FAITH is, my prayer is they will follow and develop a strong faith.  I will mess up and makes mistakes but I would want my kids to see it and learn that we all make mistakes but God will help us put things back together and always forgives us if we call out to him.  I want them to be happy and have peace that they have a Brother that is enjoying heaven right now, and one day they will get to see him again.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

What If?

I have been thinking a lot about how I live my life, what I say and do, what I believe and how I treat others, my love for others, my faith and does it show in my life.  I want you to do something with me, I want you to think a "What IF" , I am not usually the type of person to do this but I feel it is important to help with an important change I know I need in my life.  Here we go....
What If you were told that in 1 year everything would be taken from you, Your family, your friends, your house, your job, your looks, your talents, You would have nothing tangable to hold on to... Now to do this right you really need to sit and think for a minute, what if it actually happened.
What would change in your life for that last year?  Would you still value the same things, would your talents and the way people look at you matter the same?  Would you focus more on the people you love?  Would you try and help people in need around you more, if it was your last year to ever see them??? Would you cry out to God more (it seems to be the time we do the most.. in crisis)  Would you focus on enternity and wanted to see others there?  Would you put yourself second and put God first?  Would you CHOOSE to respond to circumstances the same, negetively or with Love?  Would you LOVE deeper?

After loosing someone who I loved so deeply for such a short time, and now watching someone who is my best friend and I care about so much go through a very tough battle and fight for her life, I start to realize that life, jobs, talents, people, house, money it could all go in a second.  We can get so caught up in our lives, in who we are, in what defines us instead of who defines us.  Some of us say we want to be saved, we want what God can give us, but we don't want to give God everything.... and the funny thing is, is that these things that we idolize after, that we hold on to so deeply can vanish in a blink.  than what, when everything is gone, then do you turn to God?  When your not the center of the world and no one wants to look at you anymore, or when your dreams come crashing down, then do you start to cry out for help...
I have realized when we have faith and make the CHOICE to put God first then he can use us, he can show us how to love more, how to control our temper, how to manage our money, or how to get through really hard situations.  If we do things for ourselfs and keep trying on our own, life will always be frustating, you will never learn to love properly, or forgive.  Your talents will be wasted and may even crumble in front of your eyes.  Or that person who needed you, who God wanted you to help, and you refused, it may be to late. 

This is heavy stuff but it is so heavy on my heart, to see myself live to my full God potential!  To love and show love like I never have before.. To put others before myself and trust that everything that happens God is still in control and knows tomorrrow.  I don't need approval from man, what I need to do is cry out to God everyday to help me be who he wants me to be.  To love my family and raise my kids in the ways of the Lord.  I want them to live each day as if it were there last, with hope and faith and love, because we live in such a selfish, rich, society it is so easy to forget how blessed we already are.

God brought me little baby Zachariah Isaac Drover and allowed him to stay with my for 107 days for a great purpose.  Through his little life came a huge powerful revaltion in my life and I hope in others.  If God can use his life in such a short time why can't God use my life, use your life.  All we have to do is be willing to give it all up if he asked, not hold on to anything to tight. 

Love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Thursday, January 6, 2011

christmas time, a time for joy and peace. The New Year, a time for New Beginings.

Christmas is a time for Family, Friends, Kids, Love, Laughter, Joy, Peace.  I can say I did have all of that and was surrounded by it.  I enjoyed my family over christmas, especially having my nephews and little sister along with my kids opening presents christmas morning.  They brought a childlike joy that makes you feel so amazing you can't help but laugh and smile.  The Christmas season also brought a lot of distraction, and heartache for other people who are in desprite need for a touch from God.  It made me realize that even though it may be a different situation, none of us are in control of what happens in our lives, we all have a story, we all have heartache, we all need something (someone) more than ourselves to get through each day. 
I thought I would not be able to survive christmas without my little Zach, but I did. Although I thought about him and I missed him a lot, I had a peace that he was ok, that he was safe.  My little sister said that Jesus was giving him presents in heaven. 

Some things have changed in my journey the past month.  Things have become very real to me about Zachariah's death.  I am realizing that he is not coming home, that part has been hard.  I don't think the feeling of loss or missing my sweet baby boy will ever go away but it is true that you do learn, with God's help, how to live with it. 

The strangest change that has happened is that until now I never saw Baby Zach as small or delicate.  He was just Baby Zachariah, my sweet baby boy.  I knew he was small, but never saw it, I new he was fragile, but never saw it.  He was always just perfect and normal in my eyes.  Recently I was looking at his pictures especially from the begining and for the first time realized how small he was, how fragile he was, it actually shocked me that a baby this small could survive.  Wow, what a miracle Zach was, Thankyou God for giving me 107 days with this amazing, strong little man.  Maybe it was God's grace that I never saw him as under a pound.  I never was nervous with him, holding him, changing him, washing him and if I saw how delicate and small he was I may have been to scared and missed the amazing opportunity to spend such intimate time with him. 

I am still dreaming the same few dreams, I dream about Zach passing away in my arms over and over and over, every night.  I really don't like these dreams and I have had them for way to long, but I think now I have had them so long that I am affraid that if these awful dreams stop, I will loose memories to him.  His smell, his touch, his warmth. I am seaking daily for God's grace and peace, and to find another way to hold on to Zach's memory.  This journey is like nothing I have ever been on. Being in the NICU was a roller coaster ride, day by day, and minute by minute, never knowing when it was going to be good or bad.  I guess this journey is simular that where you good days and hard days, never really know when the emotions will hit you.  I am learning that it is ok to miss him, to cry, to talk about him, and that God is with me through it all, I am not alone.  that sounds like an easy concept to grasp, but it really wasn't for me.  It took till now for me to realize that.

I was thinking about Zach the other day, he had the darkest brown eyes, his mommy's eyes.  He had a strong chest and a very stong grip.  His complextion was darker and had beautiful lips.  The last few weeks he started to do those gas smiles, you know the ones where we say they are smilling but it is just gas.  He had the sweetest smile, you had to smile back when you saw him, so sweet, so peaceful.  He was tough, almost never apeared to be in pain or distress.  Dr's were always shocked about how little pain meds he needed after a major surgery.  I sit and wonder what he would be like.  Brock is my big boy, he is strong but sensitive, a protector, he is full of love for his family but a little shy with strangers.  Liv is full of life, strong willed and her own person, she loves people and full of love.  So where would Zach fall, would he be somewhere in the middle?  Would he be strong, but soft spoken, loving life and people?  I guess I will have to wait to find out, until the day when I will go to him.  Until then I will continue this journey we call life and although the loss hurts, I will choose to live life full of love, love for my other 2 preciouse angels, for my family and friends and for those who are hurting around me.