I am the Rest You Need......

I have not Blogged in a while, I have been very exhausted mentally and physically, which is why I did not blog and is also why I need to blog.  The weight of the world is so heavy sometimes it feels like there is nothing left in you to give.  This is the time we need to rest in God's arms, be still and quiet, listen to his still small voice.  This is the place I am in now, I don't desire to be out with large crowds or to be taking over any ministries, I am in a season of rest.  I need to be fed, my tank needs to be filled up again and until that happens, I rest in Him.  This is not to say I don't help or care ( i could never stop doing that ) What it does mean is that if It is not a needed task then I say not right now.  God is showing me a new place in my walk with him, a place where i can take refuge and shelter from life's storms.  Feel peace and comfort, know that everything is in God's hands and he knows the future.  Right now being so tired and worn down I need this stillness inside me so that I can pray for God's strength and a daily reminder that he holds our futures in his hands.  When I start to feel anxious and start to wonder if God is really here, I remember when I felt his touch.  I had just arrived to St.John's via Air Ambulance my Water had broke and they were not sure if they would stop my labour from coming.  I remember lying in a bed all alone at the Janeway, the nurses coming and going .. monitors going off everywhere, nurses sticking needles in me and checking my vitals and baby Zach's heart beat, while still safely in my tummy.  I remember thinking I should feel worried, scared, alone, I cried out to Jesus and asked for strength.  All of a sudden as if there where hundreds of prayers going out, I felt this huge wave of peace come over my body, started at my head right down to my toes.  This overwhelming presences took away all fears and loneliness, I new Jesus was holding me, carrying me and was not going to drop me.  My Daddy was there and I felt him, He took me as his precious child and covered me with his blessings.  I remind myself that even though I can't feel him like that all the time, it does not mean that he is not with me, holding me, caring for me, loving on me, I am still his precious child and he will never leave or forsake me.   
I have been having these memories come back to me about the Janeway some vivid and some very clear, I believe this is all part of healing and growing.  Remembering so I don't forget that Jesus never left my side.

I want to take away your pain.... but I can't!!!!

I want to take away your pain, your suffering, your burdens.  If you could live in peace with no health problems, I would go through the pain for you.  I know that Jesus will comfort you and bring you peace, he will give you strength to face today, to face your trials and to get through your desert.  But I want to be able to take your pain and suffering from you, let me go through it for you so I can help.  I can't take away your pain so I feel helpless to sit and watch you through your journey.  What I can do is Pray, Pray for peace, strength, and healing.  Healing for your body and mind.  Pray for whatever happens, it is what God wills. 

This is the second time in a year I have had these feelings about someone I care about .  First was Zachariah, I still wish I could have taken away his pain and suffering, all I could do was watch and pray, hug him and pray, be close to him and pray.  I couldn't take away his burdens I couldn't save him from dying - but I could Love on him and Pray and know that God was always with him, always holding him and gave him so much strength to face his tough days.  Now I face the same with My Mom, I can't take away her pain and suffering, I can't have cancer instead of her, but I can pray for her, I can Love on her and Pray for her, I can be close to her and pray for her, I can pray for her healing, I can pray for strength to face each day, I can pray for her mind and positive thoughts, I can pray for God's will to be done.
 I would take all of Zach's and Mom's sickness and pain and go through it myself, if it meant they didn't have to, but I can't, so I will keep praying and believing that God knows what he is doing in every situation.  He has a plan for our lives and when He allows tragic events to happen in our lives and we put all of trust and faith in him through our situation, He can use us in ways we could of never imagined.  I have been very fascinated with Job lately, that a Man could go through so much and still know that he was in God's will and God had a plan for him.  In the end when he was at his worse, everything was taken from him, his kids were dead his lively hood was gone, he was in dying pain from the sores on his body and his wife, family and friends were telling him to curse God for giving him so much sorrow.  Even through all that Job still trusted in God, still knew that God had a plan for him.  It didn't mean he didn't want the pain to end, he definitely did but He also knew God would never leave him or forsake him.  He says,  before I only heard Jesus but know I can see him to.  Sometimes it takes the hardest things in our lives, devastating situations to bring us closer to God to fulfill our calling in a more powerful way,  If we choose to turn to him through it.   I am and have had a hard time watching two people I love go through the worst battle of their lives, but I know that God's hand is and had always been on them and he has never left them and had and will always comfort them no matter how hard it gets.  I know he is always with me, never leaves me, always is with me and will always comfort me.  I know that through everything I have been through I am getting closer and closer to God - I have not just heard him but I have seen him.

To be a Mommy to 3 amazing children.... One that is in Heaven



I was not sure how this Mothers Day was going to feel?  Was it going to be Sad, was it going to be hard, was it going to be impossible to get through the day?  I was not sure how my feelings were going to take me, especially since I have learned that when you go through a tragedy your emotions have a good way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.  I did know that I going to try as hard as I could to stay very positive and very happy and if those emotions did creep up on me I was still going to smile!  I have two of the sweetest children still here with me that do not understand why Mommy would be sad on such an exciting day as Mothers Day!  Last night I could not stop the births of all 3 children play through my head, how each one is such a miracle.  Brock Austin Drover was born 38 weeks, but about 5 minutes after I had him a nurse noticed his color changed to purple, they quickly took him out of his dad's arms and rushed him into another room then a day later Sick Kids came for him and put him on life support they were uncertain if he would survive.  But our God is a big God and Brock pulled through and before we knew it the nightmare was over and we had our sweet baby boy home with us.  Then Olivia Claire Drover was born 8 weeks early and went I went into Labour I was rushed to Halifax, a whole other province by myself.  But again we serve a very very Big God, My cousin and his wife were there then a day after I had my little girl my Aunt and Uncle came back from vacation and Olivia was born with NO Life threatening complications, she was just small and needed some help with nutrition, and within three weeks I had her home to join our family.  Then as I have already told the story of my Angel Zachariah Isaac Drover, I was already in the hospital with some pain when My water broke, they rushed me to the Janeway and I was on bed rest again alone but not alone I had this overwhelming sense of Peace and comfort.  The pain I endured when I went back into labour was like nothing I have ever faced or ever want to face, It was 10 hours of labour in my back, front and in my cervix which was double stitched and was trying to dilate - and the doctors just wanted to try and stop my labour but when they realized I was passing out from the pain and my body was shaking they gave me a Epidural and did an emergency C-Section - I keep remembering them counting 1,2,3,4,5 then again 1,2,3,4,5 it felt like eternity before they said he is alive move quickly, he was to small to cry, to small to move much but he was alive - I was exhausted, emotional Darryl had just made it 2 hours before I had him.  Zachariah was a miracle and I was his Mommy, I was and am so proud to have been his Mommy!  My love for him is no different, no more or less then how I love Brock or Liv.  I Loved to Mommy that little angel, to rock him and read to him, to sing to him and Love on him.  I would never give up that chance I had to be a Mommy to all 3 of my children. 
This morning was very bittersweet as Brock and Liv so very excitedly jumped into my bed with blueberry pancakes soaked in syrup, pineapple and a tea and some wonderful presents they were so proud to have picked out themselves.  But as I sat there in my bed with the 2 of them my heart felt sad because there should of been 3 little ones with me on this great day.  I felt sad that I can no longer show Zach a Mothers Love, can't wipe his tears, or make him laugh.  And as I watched Brock today I realized what that little boy I am missing, what he would be like.  I know these days are coming, Days where my heart will ache but I also know I have a faithful God who sees my tears and knows my pain and is always with me.  I was able to enjoy my day with my kids, with a smile and laughter but inside a part of me was hurting, a part of the day was missing. 

Even Jesus wept and felt sad, when Lazarus died the bible says Jesus wept, he felt compassion for his family and friends.  I know that Jesus cares for me and feels compassion when my heart is hurting, he weeps with me and loves me and brings me peace and comfort when I ask.  I know that Zach is in an amazing place and he is waiting for us to join him one day, I still miss him and will always Love him, he will always hold a special place in this Mommy's heart!

we do not have to go through it alone.

Life has been feeling very busy lately, very rushed, very exhausting, very stressful good and bad, and a lot to think about when I should be sleeping!  I know I can't be alone in this, I am sure we all go through these valley's in our lives where you just want life to slow down, physically, emotionally and mentally.  Something though is that when I do stop and sit and pray, I have this peace this comfort that I will make it, I will have the strength to get through anything that is thrown at me with God's help.  The Book of James talks about our lives being like a vapour, not to worry about tomorrow because our lives go so fast and it means so little on earth compared to our lives in heaven for eternity.  In some ways it brings some comfort why God does or doesn't heal, or do things the way we think he should.  His plan for our lives is usually so far from what we thought or wanted it to be.  I would do anything for God to have healed Zachariah, to take him home and have him live his life with us as a family. God had a great purpose and plan and reasons I will probably never understand why he took him.  All I can do is trust that everything that happens on this earth is for a reason and plan to glorify God. I need to remind myself that if I always put my trust in God over every situation in my life whether it is finances, death, disappointment, hurt, I can get through it as long as I keep my head looking to heaven, once we start to waver, look to other things to numb the pain or fill in an empty space we are heading for a destructive road that only leads to more hurt and pain.  but when we cry out to God and trust that he can help us, when we pray and read our bible, God will help us through it, doesn't mean the pain is gone, it means you feel like you are not alone, you have a great peace and unexplainable strength to get through your journey.
My Mom is facing a hard journey and to watch her trust and have so much faith and God strength is so encouraging.  I feel like I am not their yet, I want to be, I want to faith that anything is possible and I know if I keep praying for it and seeking after I will be able to feel the same reassurance that God really can do anything!  I am still so full of questions at times and I am stuck sometimes on the earthly realities of our lives, but my prayer is that, just as God has helped me through situations and has given me a great peace, He will also help me understand true Faith!

Almost got lost but He found me!

Do you ever have that day where you feel dull, low, you have questions that just can't be answered..... These question are questions that you thought you already had peace with, already excepted the answer to??? I had that day the other day.  I am not sure if it was because my Mom's chemo took everything out of her and put her in the hospital, or is it that I am still working on the fact that God didn't answer my prayer to heal Zachariah the way I wanted him to?  Whatever the reason was, I had that day, I questioned my faith, my belief, the way I deal with life's bumps.  I talked to Darryl on a drive home from St.John's questioning why God allows these things?  Why do we have to suffer, My mom is suffering through Chemo and is going through what no one should have to go through.  Zachariah, his little body went through what no little baby should have to go through, when all God has to do is heal their bodies.  God can part a sea and turn water into wine, he can raise someone from the dead, and for only reasons he knows he allows us to go through pain.  On that drive I started to tell Darryl I want to deal the way he does, push everything back so far so I can't feel the pain but Darryl told me I can't because the pain is always their. and that I need to deal the way that is healthy and good for me, by talking about it and by allowing God to help me, by crying out to God to heal my heart and help me through this, to allow Jesus to weep with me. I will be so much happier, stronger, wiser.  I will be a better Wife, Mother and Friend.  I am back on track that bad day is over and my Trust is restored, I am leaning on my faith for comfort and strength. I dont' blame God or question why he does what he does, his plan is so much greater than what I can comprehend and he knows our future.  I can't do anything on my own, it is to hard.  Life still hurts and is still confusing sometimes, but I do know the peace I have when I trust in God is overwhelming and indescribable.  There are some sad days ahead of me, One being Zachariah's birthday, but it will be exciting at the same time when we give other families a gift to help brighten their hard and some sad day.  I also love to know that Zach is waiting for all of us in heaven, he is enjoying an amazing life for eternity. 
Some of my pain I have come to realize that some of my pain is selfish pain, it is pain that I want to hold my baby, I want to watch him and love him.  But if I think about Zachariah, I smile because he is not in pain anymore, he is not suffering anymore.  He is always smiling, never sad!   Darryl got a plaque done for the hospital in memory of Zach and on the plaque he wrote a verse on it that says: "Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him to help you do it and he will" Psalm 37:5  This spoke so clearly to me that if I trust God, he will help me through any situation, and it is as simple as just to ask him.  He doesn't promise to fix everything in our lives but he does promise to help us overcome our battles and obstacles if we just ask.

In Remembrance of Zachariah Isaac Drover

IN REMEMBRANCE  

OF

ZACHARIAH ISAAC DROVER

July 19, 2010 – November 3, 2010

Zachariah Isaac would have been turning 1 on July 19^th and in remembrance of him we are collecting new packs of receiving blankets (boy or girl) and gift cards ($10 or more)

for one of the following places:     Tim Horton’s,  McDonald's

Swiss Chalet,  Starbucks,  Wendy’s

We will be putting one pack of receiving blankets with a gift card and delivering it to the hospital around Zachariah’s birthday. The Nurses will be distributed them to the families who are faces hard times in the NICU with their babies.  Receiving blankets are the only thing that the babies can have and it is always nice for them to have their own.   And a treat away from the hospital, for a coffee or a bite to eat is always needed for the parents.  The financial cost having a baby in the NICU is very high and a small present like this will brighten their day!

We would like to get enough for levels 1, 2 and 3 in the NICU and some for future babies and their families.

Thank you so much for your generosity and kindness.

Marcia, Darryl, Brock & Olivia Drover

You can mail it to:

                                     Marcia Drover

                                     8 Carlton Place

                                     Grand Falls-Windsor, NL

                                     A2B 1E8

                                     marciadrover@yahoo.com

In a Childs mind.....

Brock is my 4 1/2 year old sweetheart little boy.  He is sensitive, strong, caring, loving. He loves his family especially his sister Olivia and Brother Zachariah.  He is so aware of his role in our family - The Big Brother, and he takes that role very seriously!  He adores Olivia, He needs to know where she is at all times and needs to touch her, hug her, kiss her to much and usually more then Liv likes.  He also loves his little baby Zach, this is very wonderful and very difficult at the same time.  He always talks about him and prays that Jesus will take care of him every night.  He will sometimes say that he misses him and that it is not fair that he doesn't have him home.  But the past few nights he has been more upset and concerned about his baby Zach.  He prayed to Jesus the other night " Jesus thank you for taking care of baby Zach for us, but can you make him better and send him home, I really want him home, I need 2 babies, Olivia and Zach" then he asked me if Jesus would send him home.. I responded as well as I could and told him what I have told him many times before, that Zachariah was very sick and the doctors tried to help him but he was to sick and died, Zach is with Jesus now and is not sick and he is happy in heaven, Zachariah can not come home because when you go to heaven you have to stay there.  Brock than told me that this is not fair and he wants his little brother.. I agreed him that it is not fair!  Later Brock was talking about our family and asked if Zach was apart of our family and I told him he was a very special and important part of our family.  He really liked that, but still is confused about heaven and dying.. one day at a time with my little man.. I have been praying for peace and comfort for Brock, that he will just know that Zach is OK.  Brock said that one day when he gets married he wants One Hundred babies and name them all Baby Zach - what a precious boy.  I hate seeing him sad it makes me sad that I can't fix this for him - But I do know someone who can - Brock is to young to understand about Zach but God can give him peace just as he has given me peace.