It has been a long time since I have blogged, I have not been sure how to describe how I have been feeling but now feel it is time for healing in my life and this blog has been a great tool for my healing. As many of you already have heard my beautiful mother passed away at the end of November 2011. This is so hard to blog about, my life has been circumstances and tragedy for almost 3 years and now I am just left with the aftermath of the storms. My mom was my life, she was my conscience, she was my prayer warrior, she was my best friend. Heaven is so blessed to have such a wonderful person. She is in Heaven with Zachariah standing in all God's glory, waiting for the day that we will all see each other again. But here on earth in the flesh it is really hard, we are left with set backs financially, and emotionally. This causes so much emotions that are out of my control, thoughts and feelings that feel like they will eat away at me until there is nothing left. A heart that is so broken that it feels like the pieces are impossible to be put back together. An exhaustion that brings on headaches and mood swings that I wish would go away. And dreams that are so disturbing that I would rather not sleep than have to relive watching Zachariah and my Mom pass away. In the natural it feels as if my whole world has crashed down on me and I am fighting to get through the ruble.
But in the spiritual, I feel broken, and vulnerable and humble and open to whatever God has in store for my life. I pray everyday for strength to face the day, to get up and keep going, keep loving my family. Everyday I force myself to get out of bed and only by God's strength am I able to not just get through my day but get through it with a peace and knowledge that God has not left me. I am able to do things through the exhaustion that I don't feel like I should be able to. I have messed up with letting my negative emotions get control of me but as soon as I mess up I ask God for strength, I feel as if I can keep going with a strength that is not mine. ("when I am weak, He is strong")
I have only have 2 choices, to lay down and let my life and my family crumble before my eyes and live in depression and misery. Or I can cry out to my Jesus for His strength and His comfort and His Love and in my most lowest moment He still shows up, He picks me up and puts me back on my feet, He guides me and leads me through the path He wants for me. He allows me to enjoy my kids and family that I still have here on earth. The days are still hard and probably will be for a while, but I have peace and comfort knowing that My Jesus is always with me and will never leave me. He is my Rock and my Salvation. I have realized in a more deeper way that their really is not anything He can not handle if you put all your trust and faith in Him, He will always be there to pick you up when you fall. Your life is never to messed up or to far gone and the Peace that you get is like nothing the world can give you, it is indescribable to feel safe and know everything will be OK when nothing looks that way in the natural.
Every part of me longs for My little baby Zachariah Isaac and My heart aches for My Amazing Mom but through all the pain I know everything will be OK, if I rest in God's grace and peace!
Zachariah Isaac Drover
Monday, January 23, 2012
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
A Gift for 107 Days
What if I knew it was only 107 Days would I have done anything different? Would I have held him more? been at the hospital day and night? If I knew this precious gift was only going to be lent to me for 107 days would I have felt any different about him?
It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, the feeling as if my cervix was being tore out and this sensation followed after the normal cramping and back labour I had experienced with my last 2 pregnancies. But this was so much worse, physically, emotionally, and mentally, I was to early to be in labour and even with my cervix double stitched shut my body had full intentions of carry out child birth even without an opening. All alone and with Darryl racing to St.John's, this intense torture carried on for six hours. Darryl arrived just in time for them to bring me in for emergency C Section. Could a baby at 24 weeks survive? They told me girls were stronger, had a much better chance at survival, I remember praying for that girl, praying for that strong baby to hold and love. It seemed like an eternity for them to get the baby, wondering if he would survive, then they said it's a boy! My heart sank - not that i don't love boys - Brock has been such a treasure - I just wanted the best odds. But that is how faith building works, you need no odds and no hope to put all your hope and faith in God, sometimes that is what it takes. They took him out so fast and started counting 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 after they counted a few times they said OK MOVE HIM NOW and started to try to open his lungs. I barley got a chance to see him, he was so tiny and fragile, my little boy, I didn't know it at the time but he was going to become my hero.
The Doctors worked on him for 2 hours to open his lungs and where successful only to tell Darryl he did not have much chance to survive past midnight. The next morning we took our first trip down to the NICU and there was my precious, sweet, strong baby boy, weighing just under 1 lb and about as long as a ruler. He was full of tubes and wires and machines most of which I had seen before from my other two babies being in the NICU. I was so afraid to touch him at first, afraid of germs and hurting his little body. It did not take long at all before I was being his mom, changing his bum, wiping his face, giving him his soother and of course having my cuddles. He was my boy and like any other baby just a lot smaller. He was my Zachariah Isaac Drover.
For 107 Days I was given this precious gift to love and cherish and take care of. For 107 Days he was given to me to teach me about sacrifice, true love, compassion, Faith, Prayer, truly seeking God's face, Trusting, Believing, putting God in control of my whole life. In some ways I would say for that 107 that Baby Zach was given to me by God to save my life, my marriage, my family. You may think that through all this statistics say that those 107 days should of wrecked my life. But because I learned to put my whole life in God's hands and trust him through every situation, to really know that God really will never leave me and always see me through with peace. That is why God allowed me to have baby Zach for 107, one of his purposes was to save my life, to help me grow in faith and by braking me so much that I had to become so much stronger in Christ. Baby Zach Became My Hero!
One Year ago on November 3, 2011 Baby Zach at 107 Days old was placed in my arms while his Dad held his hand, He took his last breath and His heart slowly stopped. One Year ago I sat in a chair holding my precious son, while the tears streamed down my face it felt as if I passed him up to Jesus. I had to give him back to his maker. Our children really are gifts from God, given to us to take care of for him. Baby Zach may have only lived on this earth for 107 Days but he was a great testimony of God's amazing faith and miraculous power. No baby weighing less then a pound should survive 1 day and We got to enjoy him for 107 Days. I will always Love him with all my heart, Always miss him, Never forget how wonderful he was, and Always be thankful for being allowed to have him for almost 4 months. I will meet him again one day in heaven, until that day I will continue to seek God in every circumstance and every situation with more integrity then I ever have.
I LOVE YOU BABY ZACH MY SON MY HERO
It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, the feeling as if my cervix was being tore out and this sensation followed after the normal cramping and back labour I had experienced with my last 2 pregnancies. But this was so much worse, physically, emotionally, and mentally, I was to early to be in labour and even with my cervix double stitched shut my body had full intentions of carry out child birth even without an opening. All alone and with Darryl racing to St.John's, this intense torture carried on for six hours. Darryl arrived just in time for them to bring me in for emergency C Section. Could a baby at 24 weeks survive? They told me girls were stronger, had a much better chance at survival, I remember praying for that girl, praying for that strong baby to hold and love. It seemed like an eternity for them to get the baby, wondering if he would survive, then they said it's a boy! My heart sank - not that i don't love boys - Brock has been such a treasure - I just wanted the best odds. But that is how faith building works, you need no odds and no hope to put all your hope and faith in God, sometimes that is what it takes. They took him out so fast and started counting 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 after they counted a few times they said OK MOVE HIM NOW and started to try to open his lungs. I barley got a chance to see him, he was so tiny and fragile, my little boy, I didn't know it at the time but he was going to become my hero.
The Doctors worked on him for 2 hours to open his lungs and where successful only to tell Darryl he did not have much chance to survive past midnight. The next morning we took our first trip down to the NICU and there was my precious, sweet, strong baby boy, weighing just under 1 lb and about as long as a ruler. He was full of tubes and wires and machines most of which I had seen before from my other two babies being in the NICU. I was so afraid to touch him at first, afraid of germs and hurting his little body. It did not take long at all before I was being his mom, changing his bum, wiping his face, giving him his soother and of course having my cuddles. He was my boy and like any other baby just a lot smaller. He was my Zachariah Isaac Drover.
For 107 Days I was given this precious gift to love and cherish and take care of. For 107 Days he was given to me to teach me about sacrifice, true love, compassion, Faith, Prayer, truly seeking God's face, Trusting, Believing, putting God in control of my whole life. In some ways I would say for that 107 that Baby Zach was given to me by God to save my life, my marriage, my family. You may think that through all this statistics say that those 107 days should of wrecked my life. But because I learned to put my whole life in God's hands and trust him through every situation, to really know that God really will never leave me and always see me through with peace. That is why God allowed me to have baby Zach for 107, one of his purposes was to save my life, to help me grow in faith and by braking me so much that I had to become so much stronger in Christ. Baby Zach Became My Hero!
One Year ago on November 3, 2011 Baby Zach at 107 Days old was placed in my arms while his Dad held his hand, He took his last breath and His heart slowly stopped. One Year ago I sat in a chair holding my precious son, while the tears streamed down my face it felt as if I passed him up to Jesus. I had to give him back to his maker. Our children really are gifts from God, given to us to take care of for him. Baby Zach may have only lived on this earth for 107 Days but he was a great testimony of God's amazing faith and miraculous power. No baby weighing less then a pound should survive 1 day and We got to enjoy him for 107 Days. I will always Love him with all my heart, Always miss him, Never forget how wonderful he was, and Always be thankful for being allowed to have him for almost 4 months. I will meet him again one day in heaven, until that day I will continue to seek God in every circumstance and every situation with more integrity then I ever have.
I LOVE YOU BABY ZACH MY SON MY HERO
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I am tired and weary - finding that place of rest in him!
Mom has had a rough couple day, while they where able to get control of her pain and symptoms she is battling anxiety and restlessness today, something that she has no control over happening. Her mind and body are fighting against her and this causes a very bad reaction. I feel restless today as well, I want to help her so much, in the physical I want to take away this battle for her. I keep crying out to God for her peace and comfort of her body, mind and spirit. It is a battle to watch your loved one suffer so much, it is so hard to truly give everyday to God and allow him to take control. especially when your body and mind are fighting against all notions that everything will be OK. In the natural everything is not OK, but it is getting into that spiritual place where you throw up your hands and give up everything to God. I am having a day because mom is having a day and I can't fix it in the natural - but days like today I also get stronger because I am forced to relay on God even more, I am forced to trust Him that he has everything under control, I am forced to give up and let God take control of my thoughts and actions. If I don't do this than I will fall apart on my own strength and Mom will fall apart on her own strength. This doesn't make things easy, it just brings peace and Grace and a better understanding, His understanding.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Another Journey faced with God at our side!
I have had a really rough summer yet again another giant to face, with a very Big God to help me face it. But this time it is not my Giant, It is my Mom's Giant and I am along for the ride. I have not put my feelings and emotions out here for that reason that this is her story and battle as the one who is battling Cancer. I am the Daughter who has sacrificed her family and summer for the amazing chance of helping someone who I love. There has been a lot of stress and frustration and confusion around me but God has given he this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort - I have no fear or frustration - Again, just as with Zachariah, I know that My God is with my Mom and will never leave her. I know he has a plan and a will for her life and at the end of the day that is all that will matter. I will praise him if she is healed and I will praise him if she goes home to Jesus - I Trust that He Knows what is best. I am growing in faith so rapidly, and my understanding of spiritual things are becoming so much more clear. I believe that we all have individual journeys and all are unique and we need to be careful that we do not live off of someone else's story, and that we go to God for guidance, peace and understanding for our own journey. Just because God decided to take Zachariah doesn't mean he will take the next baby. or just because God Heals one person doesn't mean he will heal the next. Only God knows the reason to all these situations but I do know that God can give you peace and comfort through any situation no matter how hard it is. If you feel anxious, frustrated, angry, or you find yourself blaming others for everything bad that happens - Humble yourself and look at your own heart, go to God and he will bring you peace and take you through your circumstance one day at a time, One moment at a time. You are only responsible for your own actions and thoughts. Please continue to pray for my family, I have no idea what God has in store for my Mom, but I do know whatever he decides will be good.
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wow!!! how do I start as we aproach on Zachariah's birthday.....
I have a lot on my mind today, tomorrow Zachariah should be celebrating his first birthday with a party with all his friends and family around him. We will still be celebrating his life but just not with him here. As we have been approaching this week we have had some obstacles and challenges to overcome - one in particular seemed all to familiar. Last week my oldest boy Brock developed an infection that oral antibiotics would not kill - He ended being admitted to the hospital and put on IV meds - but not just any kind a last resort kind - The Dr.s would say They need The Big Guns - for a sensitive infection - The part that was hard about facing the hospital with an infection with my son was that last year I was in the hospital with my youngest son who died from a sensitive infection which the big guns did not work. Don't get me wrong I was never afraid of loosing Brock, Just the fact that I was getting ready to go to the Janeway and celebrate Zachariah's birth and Brock was sick with the same type of infection was a little hard for me. But we made it through the week, Brock is recovering now at home and I just got back from the Janeway in St.John's. The gifts were received wonderfully and I got to have an amazing time with the nurses whom I love and think of highly. I also got to meet a precious baby girl and a mom who has been there for 3 months - I felt so blessed when I was able to bless her with a gift and give her a big Hug reminding her she is not alone then to talk to her sweet girl - what an amazing unforgettable moment! Zachariah's plaque is now being hung on a wall in the NICU and parents are being touched by every ones generosity with their gifts. Thank you to everyone who helped make that a very special day!
Tomorrow is quickly approaching, and all the thoughts have been going through my mind - Would we have been having his birthday in the hospital? What would he look like now? Would he be happy all the time and smiling? What kind of cake would have we made him? Would I still be overprotective of him even though he was turning one? It's hard not to wonder what it would of been like to have him here with us. I can hardly believe a year has gone by already. I am sure more emotions and mixed feeling will come out tomorrow but I am really trying to focus on his life, they joy he brought to me and Darryl and all the Nurses and Dr.s. This is very much easier to say and harder to do, but with God's help I will make it through this next journey. Tomorrow I will stand at Zachariah's grave with some family and a few friends and send off balloons to heaven for Zachariah - I will blog after tomorrow so please keep me in your prayers As I face this very difficult day :) I feel so blessed that there are so many people who love my little angel Zachariah Isaac Drover.
Tomorrow is quickly approaching, and all the thoughts have been going through my mind - Would we have been having his birthday in the hospital? What would he look like now? Would he be happy all the time and smiling? What kind of cake would have we made him? Would I still be overprotective of him even though he was turning one? It's hard not to wonder what it would of been like to have him here with us. I can hardly believe a year has gone by already. I am sure more emotions and mixed feeling will come out tomorrow but I am really trying to focus on his life, they joy he brought to me and Darryl and all the Nurses and Dr.s. This is very much easier to say and harder to do, but with God's help I will make it through this next journey. Tomorrow I will stand at Zachariah's grave with some family and a few friends and send off balloons to heaven for Zachariah - I will blog after tomorrow so please keep me in your prayers As I face this very difficult day :) I feel so blessed that there are so many people who love my little angel Zachariah Isaac Drover.
Monday, June 27, 2011
I am the Rest You Need......
I have not Blogged in a while, I have been very exhausted mentally and physically, which is why I did not blog and is also why I need to blog. The weight of the world is so heavy sometimes it feels like there is nothing left in you to give. This is the time we need to rest in God's arms, be still and quiet, listen to his still small voice. This is the place I am in now, I don't desire to be out with large crowds or to be taking over any ministries, I am in a season of rest. I need to be fed, my tank needs to be filled up again and until that happens, I rest in Him. This is not to say I don't help or care ( i could never stop doing that ) What it does mean is that if It is not a needed task then I say not right now. God is showing me a new place in my walk with him, a place where i can take refuge and shelter from life's storms. Feel peace and comfort, know that everything is in God's hands and he knows the future. Right now being so tired and worn down I need this stillness inside me so that I can pray for God's strength and a daily reminder that he holds our futures in his hands. When I start to feel anxious and start to wonder if God is really here, I remember when I felt his touch. I had just arrived to St.John's via Air Ambulance my Water had broke and they were not sure if they would stop my labour from coming. I remember lying in a bed all alone at the Janeway, the nurses coming and going .. monitors going off everywhere, nurses sticking needles in me and checking my vitals and baby Zach's heart beat, while still safely in my tummy. I remember thinking I should feel worried, scared, alone, I cried out to Jesus and asked for strength. All of a sudden as if there where hundreds of prayers going out, I felt this huge wave of peace come over my body, started at my head right down to my toes. This overwhelming presences took away all fears and loneliness, I new Jesus was holding me, carrying me and was not going to drop me. My Daddy was there and I felt him, He took me as his precious child and covered me with his blessings. I remind myself that even though I can't feel him like that all the time, it does not mean that he is not with me, holding me, caring for me, loving on me, I am still his precious child and he will never leave or forsake me.
I have been having these memories come back to me about the Janeway some vivid and some very clear, I believe this is all part of healing and growing. Remembering so I don't forget that Jesus never left my side.
I have been having these memories come back to me about the Janeway some vivid and some very clear, I believe this is all part of healing and growing. Remembering so I don't forget that Jesus never left my side.
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